One of the books we were assigned to read in the marriage counseling class was "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, PH. D., and in the beginning of the book he makes some interesting statements. One of them has to do with his 'love lab' in which he takes a married couple and analyzes their interactions with each other while they are in this room in which he can look into in order to observe them. He says that he can tell if a marriage will end up in divorce within five minutes of observing the couple. He has a record of being 95% accurate.
One of the things he looks for, he calls, 'the four horsemen'. The four horsemen are 1). Criticism, 2). Contempt, 3). Defensiveness, and 4). Stonewalling (indifference).
Although Gottman does not profess to be a Christian, he has some insight into the dignity of human beings. The four horsemen are definitely signs of problems in a marriage. We know the solution for our wickedness and the way we treat others comes through repentance and faith in Jesus Christ. This can only happen because of the death of Christ on the Cross for our sins. God gives us the ability and the desire to repent of our sins, whereas in the world, the best a person can do is to try to change and do better. Sometimes this works for a while, but is usually short lived. Only by the power of the Holy Spirit, Who indwells those who are redeemed from their sins, can we ever hope to be changed.
It is important for us to honestly evaluate our lives and look at our own hearts. It is easy for us to see the sin in our spouse's life, but our own sin is usually invisible to us. In many marriages, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are common activities carried out in the relationships. But they are danger signs, as well.
If you observe these tendencies in your own marriage, your marriage could be in trouble. There is a cure, but we must desire the cure and not only the relief for the symptoms. The cure is found in the Cross of Jesus Christ. The Bible explains that when a person comes to Christ in repentance (turning away from sin) and faith (trust in Jesus Christ as Savior), that person becomes a new creature in Christ. It explains further that old things are passed away and all is become new. A believer in Jesus Christ has a new heart. The new heart has good desires. The problem that remains though, is that even with a new heart, there is still the old heart that continually wants to be selfish. That is why the Bible says to 'Put off the old' and 'Put on the new'.
When a person is a new creature in Christ, he or she will be able to bear the fruit of the Spirit, which is love, joy peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. If both people in a marriage are bearing the fruit of the Spirit, they can grow together in love, and the 'four horsemen' will eventually ride away as the couple turns to God for help.
Is your marriage in trouble? There is hope. Our hope is in God, and our help comes from God. Otherwise, our marriages will fall apart, and our relationships with people will be askew.
For more information concerning having a relationship with God, go to The Gospel Conversation or Good Person Test Page
Monday, April 22, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Why Does Death Bring Us So Much Pain?
While we were driving in the car on the way to a memorial for a friend's daughter who was killed, my husband was asking why it has to hurt so much when you lose someone you love. That is a good question. Why couldn't God have made us a little more independent of each other so when one dies, it doesn't hurt so bad.
I didn't really have any answers to that question, but after taking a Biblical counseling course on marriage counseling, I think I might have some insight. Although I have heard this before, I had never made the connections to God being relational in His existence. We were learning how human beings are created in God's image, and I never really understood any connections of that fact to anything else in life until now.
God exists in relationship. Man is created in God's image, and exists in relationships. God is, and always has been in relationship with Himself, by way of the Trinity. Man, of course, is not like God in that way, but God did create man to be in relationships with others. We could even say that man is gregarious. No man is an island. When God first created man (Adam), he brought the animals to Adam, and Adam named them, but God in His wisdom knew that the animals would not provide the type of relationship that was suitable for Adam, so, God created Eve. Eve was exactly was Adam needed for a relationship.
So, when we are in relationship with one another, we are affected by one another, whether it be a marriage relationship, family relationship, or relationships in the body of Christ. We were made for relationships. This is one aspect of how man reflects the image of God.
The Bible gives an illustration of the body being made up of many members (body parts). It says that when one part of the body hurts, all the parts of the body hurt. If one part of the body rejoices, all the parts rejoice.
When we lose someone we love, it hurts. It is very painful for us. That is because we were made for relationships. God has enjoyed relationship with Himself from eternity past and will continue to enjoy His relationship with Himself throughout eternity. God will never experience having one part of the Trinity die, but in a sense He did experience the pain of grieving when He sent His own Son to die for our sins. That pain was excruciating to God the Father as He placed all our sins on His Son, so that we could be free from having to pay the penalty for our own sins. God was grieved at the sins of mankind in Genesis chapter 6. People were so wicked they were inventing new ways of wickedness. God provided a huge boat that would carry those who would repent of their wickedness and sin, but only 8 people responded. God was very sad about the sin of mankind that He destroyed the rest of mankind in the Flood. God was very sad to have to destroy mankind, but God was sad when He gave His Son to die for our sins. Yet, He did it gladly, because now many, many people will come to know Him and have a relationship with Him through the Cross of His Son.
God grieves, and people grieve. Yet God is with us as we grieve, if we know Him. He carries us through the time of our serious pain, and brings us to the other side.
God exists in relationship. We are created in His image. We were made to live in relationship with one another. We are not islands or robots. We were made for fellowship and relationship with God and one another.
I didn't really have any answers to that question, but after taking a Biblical counseling course on marriage counseling, I think I might have some insight. Although I have heard this before, I had never made the connections to God being relational in His existence. We were learning how human beings are created in God's image, and I never really understood any connections of that fact to anything else in life until now.
God exists in relationship. Man is created in God's image, and exists in relationships. God is, and always has been in relationship with Himself, by way of the Trinity. Man, of course, is not like God in that way, but God did create man to be in relationships with others. We could even say that man is gregarious. No man is an island. When God first created man (Adam), he brought the animals to Adam, and Adam named them, but God in His wisdom knew that the animals would not provide the type of relationship that was suitable for Adam, so, God created Eve. Eve was exactly was Adam needed for a relationship.
So, when we are in relationship with one another, we are affected by one another, whether it be a marriage relationship, family relationship, or relationships in the body of Christ. We were made for relationships. This is one aspect of how man reflects the image of God.
The Bible gives an illustration of the body being made up of many members (body parts). It says that when one part of the body hurts, all the parts of the body hurt. If one part of the body rejoices, all the parts rejoice.
When we lose someone we love, it hurts. It is very painful for us. That is because we were made for relationships. God has enjoyed relationship with Himself from eternity past and will continue to enjoy His relationship with Himself throughout eternity. God will never experience having one part of the Trinity die, but in a sense He did experience the pain of grieving when He sent His own Son to die for our sins. That pain was excruciating to God the Father as He placed all our sins on His Son, so that we could be free from having to pay the penalty for our own sins. God was grieved at the sins of mankind in Genesis chapter 6. People were so wicked they were inventing new ways of wickedness. God provided a huge boat that would carry those who would repent of their wickedness and sin, but only 8 people responded. God was very sad about the sin of mankind that He destroyed the rest of mankind in the Flood. God was very sad to have to destroy mankind, but God was sad when He gave His Son to die for our sins. Yet, He did it gladly, because now many, many people will come to know Him and have a relationship with Him through the Cross of His Son.
God grieves, and people grieve. Yet God is with us as we grieve, if we know Him. He carries us through the time of our serious pain, and brings us to the other side.
God exists in relationship. We are created in His image. We were made to live in relationship with one another. We are not islands or robots. We were made for fellowship and relationship with God and one another.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Mutual Love and Respect in Marriage
I am taking a class on marriage counseling right now, and in some ways, there are many similarities between marriage counseling and counseling one on one. But there are differences also. Every issue we have to deal with goes back to the heart. Because our hearts are wicked, we are self-centerered and many times, egotistical, and if we are not careful, we could find Bible verses to support our erroneous thinking.
One misunderstanding we tend to have, is that of thinking that, because God appoints men to be the heads of their wives, that means that women are second class citizens. If we are not careful, we could end up believing that.
I have heard people talk, and there are some who reject the Gospel because they think that it gives the right for a man to be the 'bully' of his household. Why would anyone think that, we wonder? Well, for one thing, we tend to take Bible verses out of the contextual meaning, and try to make it fit what we want it to say, or, what our understanding of the subject is, even if we are mistaken.
For example, people really believe that since women are supposed to be submissive to their wives, that means, by default, that men have more power from God and are to control their wives. I have seen this mistake also made by people who are confused by the doctrine of the Trinity. We know that God is completely unified and that in a way we cannot fathom, He works with Himself to bring glory to Himself. That is way over our heads, but we don't struggle with that. What we struggle with though, is the fact that Jesus was submissive to His Father. Somehow, in our limited thinking, we understand that to mean that Jesus is less than the Father. We battle for years trying to figure out how such statements can make sense. But much of our misunderstanding has to do with the fact that we don't understand the word 'submission'. When we hear such a word, we think automatically of slavery. In slavery, there is an unwritten belief that the slave is less than the master. The way slavery came to be, probably validates this thinking. I don't believe God condones slavery, in the way it was done in early America, and in the slave trade. But I think our understanding of submission comes from the concept of slavery. So when the Bible says that wives are to submit to their own husbands, we automatically get a picture of a slave and his or her master. A slave doesn't have rights of his own. When a family made a decision, it usually didn't consult the slave for an opinion.
I believe our concept of a man and woman relationship which involves women submitting to their own husbands, comes from this idea of slavery. You would be surprised at how large of a problem this is in the body of Christ today. What the average Christian man is missing is the rest of the context of the verses that surround the verses on wives submitting to their husbands. If they realized and understood what was being said, they would see a whole different picture.
When God first created man and woman, the woman was created to be a help-mate to man. This implies that man alone needs help, outside of himself. So if a man treats his wife like a slave, how can she be an effective help-mate to him? The Bible says that the man is to love his wife, not just a little, but in the same way Christ loved the church. We pass over verses like this because we think we already love. I can't begin to tell you how many people I talk to, when asked the question about loving God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, who respond by saying that they already do that. It is because we think of love as something we enjoy, rather than an object for which we must sacrifice our desires for. God created marriages for the husbands and wives to work together, like on a team. The husband certainly leads the way and makes the final decisions, but not without his wife's input.
The Bible also tells men to treat their wives with respect as the weaker vessel. 1 Peter 3:7 says, "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." ESV. It says that the wives are the heirs with them of the grace of life. Husbands have a serious responsibility to their wives.
If you are a man considering marriage, take these things into consideration. Being married is a big responsibility. We can only develop a really good marriage if we have a good relationship with God, Himself. The power for sanctification comes from God, and in a marriage, both husband and wife will need to die to themselves and serve each other. If you go into a marriage thinking this is your opportunity to 'own' another person, or to control someone, you are greatly mistaken and are setting yourself up for major disappointment!
If you do not know the grace of God in your life and would like to learn more about the struggle between man and God, please go to http://thegospelconversation.blogspot.com
One misunderstanding we tend to have, is that of thinking that, because God appoints men to be the heads of their wives, that means that women are second class citizens. If we are not careful, we could end up believing that.
I have heard people talk, and there are some who reject the Gospel because they think that it gives the right for a man to be the 'bully' of his household. Why would anyone think that, we wonder? Well, for one thing, we tend to take Bible verses out of the contextual meaning, and try to make it fit what we want it to say, or, what our understanding of the subject is, even if we are mistaken.
For example, people really believe that since women are supposed to be submissive to their wives, that means, by default, that men have more power from God and are to control their wives. I have seen this mistake also made by people who are confused by the doctrine of the Trinity. We know that God is completely unified and that in a way we cannot fathom, He works with Himself to bring glory to Himself. That is way over our heads, but we don't struggle with that. What we struggle with though, is the fact that Jesus was submissive to His Father. Somehow, in our limited thinking, we understand that to mean that Jesus is less than the Father. We battle for years trying to figure out how such statements can make sense. But much of our misunderstanding has to do with the fact that we don't understand the word 'submission'. When we hear such a word, we think automatically of slavery. In slavery, there is an unwritten belief that the slave is less than the master. The way slavery came to be, probably validates this thinking. I don't believe God condones slavery, in the way it was done in early America, and in the slave trade. But I think our understanding of submission comes from the concept of slavery. So when the Bible says that wives are to submit to their own husbands, we automatically get a picture of a slave and his or her master. A slave doesn't have rights of his own. When a family made a decision, it usually didn't consult the slave for an opinion.
I believe our concept of a man and woman relationship which involves women submitting to their own husbands, comes from this idea of slavery. You would be surprised at how large of a problem this is in the body of Christ today. What the average Christian man is missing is the rest of the context of the verses that surround the verses on wives submitting to their husbands. If they realized and understood what was being said, they would see a whole different picture.
When God first created man and woman, the woman was created to be a help-mate to man. This implies that man alone needs help, outside of himself. So if a man treats his wife like a slave, how can she be an effective help-mate to him? The Bible says that the man is to love his wife, not just a little, but in the same way Christ loved the church. We pass over verses like this because we think we already love. I can't begin to tell you how many people I talk to, when asked the question about loving God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, who respond by saying that they already do that. It is because we think of love as something we enjoy, rather than an object for which we must sacrifice our desires for. God created marriages for the husbands and wives to work together, like on a team. The husband certainly leads the way and makes the final decisions, but not without his wife's input.
The Bible also tells men to treat their wives with respect as the weaker vessel. 1 Peter 3:7 says, "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." ESV. It says that the wives are the heirs with them of the grace of life. Husbands have a serious responsibility to their wives.
If you are a man considering marriage, take these things into consideration. Being married is a big responsibility. We can only develop a really good marriage if we have a good relationship with God, Himself. The power for sanctification comes from God, and in a marriage, both husband and wife will need to die to themselves and serve each other. If you go into a marriage thinking this is your opportunity to 'own' another person, or to control someone, you are greatly mistaken and are setting yourself up for major disappointment!
If you do not know the grace of God in your life and would like to learn more about the struggle between man and God, please go to http://thegospelconversation.blogspot.com
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