I have been studying Biblical counseling for about 2 years now, and the particular class I am in now, is on marriage counseling. I am somewhat surprised at what I am learning, yet glad to know what goes on behind the scenes. Let me explain further.
When I first came to Christ, God had done a wonderful, great work in my heart. There was no question, I was a new creature in Christ. Christ was now being formed in me. But there were still many shortcomings and problems in my life. One of them was that I needed discipleship. No one really knew what discipleship was, and we weren't receiving very much solid teaching of the Scriptures. That can be a dangerous place to be, because by nature, we are always interpreters. We interpret life through the grid of the Scriptures, or we interpret life through the grid of our experiences, as best as we know how. The Bible tells us to renew our minds with the word. We have to have the mind of Christ, and we all need wisdom from God. If we don't have those forming in us, we can come up with many strange, erroneous conclusions, much like I did, and those around me in the church did, as well. Sadly, there are many churches that still have theology formed from one Scripture. Instead of taking the whole of Scripture, and interpreting life through that, we pick a Bible verse and try to make heads or tails out of it. We add our own speculation to it, and if it sounds plausible, we accept it as truth. If we apply it to our lives, it can become dangerous. So here goes. I will attempt to explain my latest concern.
When I first came to Christ, people, especially men, were very fond of a Bible verse that went like this; "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands." I can't begin to tell you how misconstrued this became in our thinking. We all submit to Scripture as true. But unless we compare Scripture with Scripture, we are going to take things out of context, such as this Bible verse, which ends up meaning a whole different thing than what God has intended it to mean.
I heard this verse a lot. My interpretation of this became such that, to me it meant that, no matter what my husband did, I have to submit to it and agree with it. This thinking became embedded in my mind, and many years after we were married, I relied on my husband to do my spiritual thinking for me. I believed myself to be a second class citizen with very little rights. Now I was fortunate as to not be married to a tyrant or bully. But many Christian women are less fortunate than I was. Early in our marriage we were able to get involved in a church where good marriage principles were taught, and our marriage benefitted from that.
A few years back, there was a teaching done by Carolyn Mahaney (wife of C.J. Mahaney) called, 'Watch Your Man.' It is an excellent teaching if you can ever find this on CD I recommend that you listen to it. My daughter heard this with a group of women. What was surprising was that the older women in the group (the ones that were my age) seemed to think the teaching was radical. They weren't used to having that kind of freedom in their marriages. The younger women didn't struggle as much with it. It is a teaching explaining that our men (husbands) need our help as a help mate. This didn't tie in with my thinking because I always thought that men get to call the shots and women have to go along with it, even if he is sinning. But that is not so. If our man is engaging in sin, we have a responsibility to help him see his sin. If the man believes that he gets to call the shots and has a right to be sinful, because he is the spiritual leader of the home, then he is in error. He needs someone to point that out to him. Our husbands need to be in fellowship with other men. They need discipleship as well.
The Bible is very clear that men are to love their wives. I think many Christian men think they already love their wives, and that is why they can do whatever they want in the relationship. They mistakenly think the the woman has to submit to him, in whatever he wants. Biblically speaking, she shouldn't submit to his sin, and he is abusing his authority when he tries to make her submit to him, while sinning.
There are Christian men, some of them even pastors, who believe this verse on wives submitting to their husbands means they can force their wives into submission by threatening and manipulation. It has happened where men pull their wives hair to keep them in one place, hold a gun to them, or just threaten to leave or kill. Some have taken a family pet and killed it to make themselves heard. If you are a man who has been redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ, and you are doing these things to your wife, you need to stop and get help. This kind of problem goes beyond a marriage problem This is a personal problem that is a power struggle. This is most serious. You do not own your wife, and you have no right to threaten her if she isn't doing what you want her to do. Your actions are going to have serious repercussions. Don't think that no one knows about this. God does. The Bible says that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Threatening your wife because she isn't cooperating with you as you would like, is an act of hate. It is abusing the authority you have as a husband. If there are children looking on, they will remember what they see. In fact, if you have sons, there is a good possibility that they will do the same thing to their wives, when they marry. Or, another scenario is one where the son becomes so angry at the father or stepfather, that he will want to kill him (I have seen this one personally).
The answer is that we need a new heart. Our hearts are sinful and we don't even see our sins, many times. Jesus died to pay the penalty for our sins. Not only is there forgiveness in the blood of Jesus, but there is power to change. It gives us the power to say 'no' to sin and 'yes' to righteousness. We can't live a life of holiness in our own strength. It is impossible. We have to have the power of God, or we will stumble and become discouraged. Please get help if you are in this situation. If you are a women who is being abused, and can't get away from your abusive husband, see if you can find a shelter for abused women or children. God designed for you and your husband to live in a complementary relationship. Your husband is to lead, serve, protect, and provide for you. He needs your prayers to be able to do this properly. If he does not respond to God, and continues to promote his innocence while still carrying out acts of abuse, then you need to find a place of protection.
