Biblical Counseling and Pelagianism

   Have you ever tried to mix water with oil? Everyone probably has at some point in their lives. Well, that is what it would be like to mix the Pelagian doctrines with Biblical Counseling.
  Here are some reasons why these two don't go together:
1. Pelgians do not believe in Original Sin. That means, they do not believe that we are all born with sinful hearts since Adam fell. Pelagians believe that human beings are like Adam was before he fell. They believe people have a choice of whether they want to sin or not.
2. Repentance is a matter of making a u-turn. It involves living totally for God, instead of living for yourself. In repentance, you let go of those things that are more important to you than God is. But Pelagians teach that repentance means to 'stop sinning'. Again, it goes back to #1, where Pelagians do not believe in Original Sin. You have the choice and the power to not sin anymore, according to them.
3. God's mercy and love are left out, as well as His grace and power to overcome sin. You will not hear the words 'grace', 'love', or 'mercy' from Pelagians when they teach. Neither do they recognize the power of God as the only enablement for us to live the Christian life.
4. Pelagians do not believe God is for you if you sin. Also, that would mean that if you struggle with sin, addictions, or are enslaved by a sin and want to be free, you would have to free yourself. It is your responsibility before God to become 'sin-free'.
   So, by looking at the differences between what the Bible actually says about God and His care for his children who struggle against sin, you can easily see why Pelagianism doesn't work with Biblical Counseling. I don't want to speak for those who are Pelagians, but, from what I can tell by looking at what they say they believe in, it comes down to legalism. Although I don't think they believe that good works atone for sin, they do believe that obeying God is part of the equation for our salvation experience.
  How does this tie in with Biblical Counseling? In Biblical Counseling, you work with people that are believers in Jesus Christ and are following Him, yet, they have struggles with their sinful natures, whether it be with addictions, mental illness, past abuse, the list could go on. You can't tell a person who has mental illness to just 'stop sinning' and expect them to be perfect. You can't tell anyone, for that matter, to 'stop sinning' and be perfect. By perfect, I am using this word to mean being without sin. The Bible uses this word to mean 'mature'.
  Another way Pelagian beliefs do not work with Biblical Counseling is that God's love is left out. The Bible says that 'God is love'. That is part of who He is. Counselees need to understand that God loves them and will help them. God wants to set people free from sin. That is why Jesus died for us. He died to take away the wrath of God, but there is so much more. Now, we have the power to break sin that held us back before. Sin no longer has to enslave us. But it is not as easy as telling a person to 'stop sinning' in order to be free from sin. We cannot 'stop sinning'. But God in us can cause us to have the power so that we don't have to sin anymore. It is part of the sanctification process, which, obviously, is not something Pelagians would believe in either.
   The Bible tells us to 'carry one another's burdens'. Galatians also tells us to 'restore' a brother who has fallen 'with gentleness'. The process of this happening takes time and patience. People aren't restored when you tell them they are bad. If you have children, you already know that when the child sins, it doesn't make much sense to tell them what they did was wrong and make them feel hopeless and stupid because of what they did. You go back to the heart and explain to them the why of what is was they did, and the reason it was wrong, and what can be done to restore it. You still love your child and are for him and will help him to not fall into that sin again.
   Pelagians are strong in telling people about God's wrath and judgment. They are experts in doing that.
So, these are some of the reasons why the teachings of Pelagianism go against the teachings of Biblical Counseling as based upon the Scriptures.

Our Struggle With Sin and Condemnation

   A thought came to my mind this morning about our struggle with sin, and our receptiveness to condemnation. Two recent activities have helped me put this concept in a clearer light.
   There are a couple of understandings of sin and repentance in Christian circles today. There is a group which believes that when you repent and come to Christ, you are saved, but your repentance must involve not only turning away from sin, but actually, in this belief system, you must stop sinning or else your repentance isn't genuine. I have figured out now who this group of Christians is. They are Christians who follow the theology of Pelagius, a man who lived in the 5th Century and contended with Augustine of Hippo.
  The reason this is important to know is that many Christians today, perhaps unintentionally, are embracing Pelagianism, and bringing harm to the body of Christ. The way this looks in the circles of Christians I know, goes like this; " If you are really saved (are truly a Christian) then you will not sin anymore."It makes sense, only if you believe the teachings of Pelagius, for he did not believe in original sin. He does not believe we are born with sinful natures. Pelagius believed that we are born with the same kind of nature that Adam had when God created him, not the kind of nature Adam received after the fall. This is important to realize because the way Pelagians believe people are saved is by their 'free will' in choosing to come to God. The problem is that first of all, we don't have free will to come to God, and, the sinful nature we inherited from Adam was passed down to all of us, and we are all captives to sin. Pelagians don't believe this, and many Christians today do not believe we are born with sinful hearts.
  So, how does this tie in with our struggle with sin? When a person truly turns away from sin and comes to Christ in repentance and faith, the Bible says that he or she becomes a new creation in Christ. This person now has a new heart, with new desires and also God gives the power and grace to this person to live a holy life. The person who is a new creation in Christ also has, what the Bible calls, 'the flesh' to contend with. The person who has come to Christ now is in a battle against his flesh, the devil, and the desires and pull of the world. He or she will continue to struggle in this battle until the day of his or her death. Then the person is free from struggle. In the next life, after the resurrection, God will give new bodies to men and women, and this struggle against sin will be permanently over.
   There are some 'Christians' who hold openly to the doctrine of Pelagius. But this is dangerous to Christians who are battling against sin and having a hard struggle. Let me give you an example that is very common. Many, many people come to Christ who smoke. These people are addicted to nicotine. They enjoy the habit of smoking, but when they come to Christ, they do want to quit. That is a good desire. They feel guilty for smoking, yet they are powerless to quit. Many go on for years in secret condemnation for fear of what other Christians might think of him or her. Occasionally, some of these people do quit, and others are miraculously delivered from the habit of smoking.
   If these Christians who smoke find themselves around Pelagian believing Christians, they will probably receive condemnation from them. Although I don't think Pelagians actually believe in 'sinless perfection' once a person is saved, they do believe in self-sufficiency when it comes to the area of sanctification. (Sanctification is the process of growing and developing as a Christian. It involves God working His grace in a person's heart who has trusting in the death of Jesus to pay for his or her sins). From what I can tell by my studying Pelagians, they seem to have a works mentality for salvation, i.e. you must stop sinning in order to come to Christ. They also have a surfacy understanding of sin, which involves sin being defined as evil activities like committing adultery or killing someone. They do not see sin as springing out of the heart. Issues like pride and self-centeredness are not addressed in Pelagian theology. So, Pelagians would see Christians who smoke as sinners doomed to hell, because smoking is an outward activity that looks evil, but they do not see the pride that is in their own hearts as sin.
   Many who struggle with sin feel under condemnation simply because the Christians who are around him or her think like Pelagians. What we have to do is go back to what the Bible says. The book of John says that a true believer will not continue in sin. This epistle of John also explains that when a Christian sins, he or she has an Advocate for their sin, who is Jesus Christ. The key with the person who is a Christian who sins is not that he or she doesn't struggle with sin, but, does that person love the Lord and is he or she growing spiritually in the things of God? Struggling with sin (or against sin, rather) is now part of the new Christian's life that wasn't there prior to conversion.
  I know there are many professing believers who are in sin, who truly aren't Christians yet. They are in another category. Sometimes, it is hard to tell the difference between a struggling Christian and a false convert who is using God's grace as an excuse for continuing in sin. But God can make it all clear to us and He can help us to look at our own hearts.
  If you are a Christian who is struggling to please God and wish to be free from your sin struggles, take heart. God is for you. It might take a long time to be free from addictions, habits,, and other things that hold us captive, but God is stronger and is for you. Do not receive condemnation from the Enemy of your soul. Continue to grow in the graces that God has provided you with today. All the other things will take care of themselves in time.
  If you are a Christian who is not struggling against sin, but you are participating willingly in sinful activities, please know that this is not pleasing to the Lord. It brings dishonor to His name and hinders other people from coming to know the True and Living God. Your lifestyle choices will bring bad repercussions in the lives of others. At some time, God will deal with what you are doing, and it could be a very hard situation (I am thinking of a woman who was in the church I was at. She left her husband and went after other men. She dated an ex-convict and was murdered by him).
  If you are a professing Christian, but do not really know the Lord, you need to repent and place your trust in Jesus Christ as your Savior from sin. You might be able to fool people into thinking you are a Christian, as well as deceiving yourself into thinking that you really know the Lord and are safe from His wrath, when you are really under His judgment. You can fool a lot of people, but you will never fool God. You might have a high standing in your church or do a lot of 'good works' in the Christian community, but God knows your real condition. You do not want to be one of those to whom Jesus says 'I never knew you. Depart from me into everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels'.
   By the way, if you are still wondering what those two activities are that led me to think about all this, the first is my study of Pelagianism, along with the many things I hear from Christian friends today, and how the two line up with each other. The other is the observation from people who either come to know the Lord and are struggling with things like smoking, or they are reluctant to come to know the Lord because they can't give up smoking, or, they don't have a deep understanding of how God can break chains and deliver us from sin, but in His own timing.
   I hope this article helps some of you reading it. I also hope it will help people to understand that when we come to Christ, the only thing we can bring to the Cross is our sin (C.J. Mahaney). We don't have to clean up our act, in fact, we can't. We don't have to stop sinning, although we do have to turn away from our sins (see the difference?). God cleans us up, gives us the power over sin, and changes us. We turn to Him, trust in Him, and let Him work in us. This is not passive! This is active.
   If you are not in a solid, Bible believing church, or if you do not have a Bible, please contact me and I will see if I can help with that. Please feel free to comment as well. Also, if I have written anything confusing or questionable, please contact me or post a comment. Thanks.

Don't Be Surprised At Your Spouse's Sin

     Here we go again. Another eye opener. Why is it that we think that, once we are married, we will live happily ever after?
     Most of us get married thinking it will make us happy. And marriage can make us happy. But what happens when our spouse sins? Are we surprised? Do we get angry? Do we become disappointed?
    Could it be that we have a wrong understanding of our sinful hearts and also of our spouse's? Many don't realize that when we come to Christ, although we are completely cleansed from our sins, we still have a sinful nature to contend with daily. Listen to this quote from Paul Tripp:
"It is when we face who we are and the fickleness of our hearts that we feel the need to have our hearts recaptured morning after morning. It is when we reflect on the fact that sin is not always a horror to us but sometimes appears positively attractive that we want to run into the protective arms of the Lord again and again. It is when we consider the dangerous temptation of this fallen world that we will want to get help for the battle day after day. It is fear of our own weakness that drives us to the Savior for strength. It is when we fear the power of foolishness that still remains in us that we are propelled to daily seek the wisdom that can be found only in the pages of Scripture." 
   Each one of us who have been born again has to make war against sin, every day. We all need the power of God to help us live a Godly life. Our spouses need the same. I like a quote from C.J. Mahaney which goes like this,  "Sin, though inevitable, is never acceptable." Can we grasp this concept for ourselves? How about for our husbands and wives?
  I'm not saying that we should let our spouses continue in sin. If our spouse is beating us up or abusing us, that needs to be addressed. But people have bad days. They get up on the wrong side of the bed, so to speak. Can we be patient with our spouse and give grace to him or her? But even deeper than that, are we surprised when we fall into sin ourselves? In Proverbs 24:16 it says, "For a just man falls seven times, and rises up again: but the wicked will fall into mischief." God picks us up and dusts us off and will do the same for our spouses. 
   In Matthew 7, Jesus instructs us to take the log out of our own eyes, then we can take splinters out of other people's eyes. The key here is to deal with our own hearts before we deal with others. We have to deal with our own hearts because of remaining, indwelling sin. The Enemy of our souls will attack us with temptations only in the places where we are most vulnerable. We will not see those places, and that is why they get attacked. That is why we must be on guard and praying.
  So, do not be surprised at your spouse's sins, and don't be surprised at your own. It happens to all of us. The Bible tells us to be on guard against sin. It also tells us to pray for one another. This is something to think about. Something worthwhile to ponder.

The Many Motives We Have- The Flip Side

  A couple of days ago, I wrote about the many motives we have as human beings. We can desire to share the Gospel, and really love people, and at the same time have a strong desire to be recognized for our great accomplishments! What a mixed bag we are!
  I encouraged people to not give up on loved ones or friends who appear to be rebellious or obstinate toward the Gospel. We tend to look at people and think to ourselves, 'They will never come to Christ. Not with a heart like that." While it's true that they won't come to Christ with a 'heart like that', we have to always remember that God is a God of the impossible. Many have come to Christ, who, prior to their conversion, had hearts of stone, and who also mocked God and killed or harassed believers.
   But we do have to be careful to not let people take advantage of us. We all need to learn to hear God's voice and become discerning. I have to think of David Wilkerson, at this point. He heard God's voice clearly, many times, and stepped out in faith and obedience. One of the hardest people he ever ministered to was a man named Nicky Cruz. I haven't finished reading (or listening to) The Cross and the Switchblade, but I do know that Nicky Cruz came to Christ and had a radical conversion. Yet, even David Wilkerson could not imagine Nicky coming to know the Lord, when they were first introduced to each other.
   We love people and want to help them. We give to the poor. We are heartbroken over people's circumstances. But we do have to be careful to not let people take over our boundaries.
  Many haven't learned how to set boundaries, for various reasons. We have boundaries though, and they need to be defined. Our pocketbooks have limits. Our time has to be rationed out. So, I am not saying that we should let people walk all over us when we are trying to help them. We set limits. It is a hard thing for some people to grasp, because they don't understand about limitations nor do they know the best ways they can be served.
  I think about a person I counseled with for a long time. I learned a lot from her. She had some good understanding of the church, but at the same time, some ideas were warped. She pointed out that the church in the New Testament days, got together and put everything they had together, and sold things in order for people's needs to be met. A few people in the church had helped this woman tremendously with their finances and time, and whatever other resources they had available. But this woman didn't stop there. She believed people in the church should not take vacations and spend their money lavishly, but I couldn't see where people were doing that. Sure, people were taking vacations. One couple we knew of went on a cruise. But it was completely paid for by someone else. So, are we being selfish when we go on vacations and buy new cars? Shouldn't we take that money and use it to provide a ministry for people like my friend? When we counted all the money that had been spent on her, we realized the money was not just a couple of hundreds of dollars, but we are talking about several thousands of dollars. Yet she complained that she needed a lot more from us.
  I am writing this because I believe we really should help people, especially poor people. But sometimes, people don't know where the limits are on others, and will try to manipulate them to give more money to them. We are not necessarily supposed to do that, although there may be occasions where we do that in order to provide relief. We also feel guilty because we give and give, but they always need more, and we can't keep giving. The Enemy of our souls, as well as those we are helping, makes us feel guilty or like a failure when we run out of resources to help them with. Don't fall for that trick.
  So the flip side of helping people with different (and even opposite) motives, is to set boundaries for ourselves, and, as best as we can, help the other person or people that we are working with, understand what we are doing. Boundaries protect us, but they protect the other person as well. Something to think about.

The Many Motives We Have

    "Our motives, are mixed, at best" says C.J. Mahaney of Sovereign Grace Ministries. I had never heard that before, neither had I ever thought about it until then.
   I believe he was referencing how easy it is to preach a message and have different motives while doing so. But I believe this applies to every person who has come to Christ and trusted in Him for salvation.
   What do I mean by this, and why am I writing a blog on it? The answer is simply because many of us counsel people or have difficult relationships with our children or other family members, and we want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.
  We can become so easily discouraged when we are working with someone, and we know, usually because of past experiences, that the person we are dealing with is manipulating, or trying to use us in some way. This problem is very common in families and relationships in the church and workplace.
  We have this relationship with a person, and the person has tried to rip us off or deceive us in some way, so we assume that the person will always hate us or try to use us. But here is where we have to be careful, because many times, people have more than one motive in what they are trying to do. Let me give an example.
   Years ago, I worked in a place where there were mostly young women. I was nineteen at the time, and God was working in my heart through the process of sanctification. I was being changed and loved sharing the Gospel with others (as best as I knew how). There was a coworker who was a sixteen year old girl who must have dropped out of school. Her mom had been married a few times but at that time, she was single, I believe. The girl seemed to live in an unreal world. She ended up meeting a guy and two weeks later married him. There were times when this young woman would ask a question concerning the Gospel. Sometimes, I would give her a tract and she seemed interested. But some times, I would find the tract in the garbage! Disappointing. But, how do I know that God wasn't working in her heart? I don't. I would tend to believe that she would just stay in ignorance forever because I would find a tract in the garbage or she would make a stupid decision like marrying someone she just met. I would write people like this off. I was assuming that her only motive was to be deceptive, but now I know that deceptive people can even have other motives for what they do, and sometimes, those motives are good ones.
   The reason for mixed motives in us is simple: We were created in God's image and the human race was plunged into sin and darkness with the fall. We are a fallen race of people, yet still bear the image of God, although marred.
  One more set of examples here. David Wilkerson, who wrote 'The Cross and the Switchblade' lived a life of faith that ended up bearing good fruit. He dealt with cruel, deceptive people who had no hope of the Gospel. In a sense, he entrusted himself to these people and showed love to them. He believed in faith that God was going to save them. I know what I would be guilty of in this kind of situation. I would think that if God were going to save these people, then He can reach them without me. If they really want to get saved, they can come to Christ by God working in their hearts. If I saw manipulation in them, or their trying to trick me, I would say goodbye to them. Not David Wilkerson. He loved people and saw past their manipulation. This is an encouragement to me.
   We have gone downtown to serve food and share the Gospel with the homeless, and we see a lot of manipulation. One guy that went down there got his wallet stolen. We were warned to not bring wallets or purses with us because they know who is new and naive, and they will try to take advantage of people. Is that a good reason to not go back there again? Of course not! We don't bring money with us, nor do we try to make something happen that can't happen (like provide a place for them to live). These people need to hear the Gospel and come to Christ. Only then will they have a new heart with new desires. And as time goes on, they will become less and less manipulative and deceitful.
  Don't let people's bad motives stop you from loving them! You might be the only Gospel message and hope that they will ever see. God can save anyone, even that sneaky relative you have. So, be patient with people and don't give up on them. And don't forget to pray for that person. Only eternity will reveal the impact of our love and patience with people. We will be surprised on That Day of those who came to Christ, because we didn't give up on them.

Whatever Happened to Marriage?

  I see the affects of broken homes everywhere, and have to ask the question, 'Why?' But before I attempt to answer the question, I want to make very sure that what I write is clear and that my readers won't read in things I am not saying.
  First of all, you might be a divorced person. Marriages that end in divorce, generally have one spouse who is the perpetrator (cause) and the other person is the victim. You might have entered marriage with the intention of having the best marriage possible, but your spouse didn't have that same vision, or didn't keep that vision. Also, it goes both ways. Men are perpetrators, but women are as well. This is not a gender issue or attack. I have seen where men leave their wives for other women, but I have to remember that even in my own family, where there was divorce, it was the women who wanted out of the marriage.
   A married person might be thinking, "I don't love him anymore. Why should we stay married?" Or another person could be having an affair on the side, and when caught, then that person turns against his family because he wants out so he can pursue his other lover without the hinderance of a family.
  If you are a victim of having a spouse who dumped you, then can I encourage you to stay close to those in your church? You will need the support of others and encouragement from those who have suffered and are able to help. You may have done things wrong in your relationship with your spouse, but it is not necessarily your fault that your husband or wife wanted out. I believe God has a special grace for you and will help you, especially if you are a single parent. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Have others pray for you and your family. God is for you, if you know Him.
  I think there are two basic reasons why people end up in a divorced situation. In our culture today, we have forgotten God. We don't fear Him, nor do we respect Him as a people. We think that His word is passe. That worked for Adam and Eve and Moses, but we are in a new day. But what does the Bible say? It tells us that God never changes. His principles and rules still apply today. Just because we commit adultery and get away with it doesn't mean that God isn't going to deal with it. If we are a child of God, then when we sin, God chastens us. It causes us to want to repent and be truly sorry for the wrong we have done. If we sin and nothing happens as a consequence, we need to be concerned. If we sin and get away with it, could it be that we really aren't one of God's children? In the Bible, every person is either a child of God or a child of the devil. If a person has been born again, then he or she is born into God's family and is His child. God promises to chasten us when we disobey Him. It is a good thing, but not necessarily pleasant. Ultimately, we will face God and our sins will be dealt with. They will be dealt with either at the Cross, or, on Judgment Day.
   Another reason why we turn to divorce is because of the influence and training of our culture. We have taken the concept which believes that when God's word conflicts with culture, then God's word must bend to what the culture says. In this case, and most people really don't realize what is going on, but culture insists on the belief system of convenience. Whatever is easiest. Whatever is most comfortable. Those are the values we cherish today. Whatever happened to doing hard things? I have heard so many people end up in divorce simply because they don't love their spouse anymore. Do they not realize that his or her spouse is a human being with feelings and a soul? Do these people think of their spouses as some kind of toy that they got bored with? Whatever happened to responsibility? I can tell you that responsibility is not really taught today, for it violates the concept of making an easy life for yourself.
   Years ago, when my dad was alive, he made some interesting statements. One of them was in reference to people, young men in particular, that he noticed were either lazy or irresponsible. My dad said that they should go in the army. When boys went into the army, they came out as different men. They had to learn responsibility. They had no choice. But today the army is optional and only those motivated to be part of it will join.
   When I was a child, divorce was rare. I am not saying that every person's marriage was great, but, at least there were family units that were whole. But today, the pendulum is swung in the opposite direction. In fact, many today choose not to marry but to live together in a marriage-like relationship, without taking the vows. Many don't want the responsibility of marriage so they just cohabitate instead.
   So, in conclusion, there are at least two reasons people feel free to divorce today. One is the lack of the fear of the Lord, and the other is that we don't want anything that requires hard work. Sadly, the ratio of divorce is equal to or greater in the church than it is in the world. But that is no surprise to me when 'Christian' song artists have a light view of marriage as well as many pastors who hold God's word lightly. There are other Gospels besides the only true one, and one Gospel would teach that God's desire for you is to make you happy. As one Christian song artist states, "If you aren't happy in your marriage, then I say, get out of it", which this woman did exactly as she recommends. Another Christian song artist did a similar thing in divorcing her husband because she didn't love him anymore. But this thinking is unscriptural and unacceptable. God does not give us permission to divorce our spouses on the basis of our happiness or our lack of love for someone.
   Marriage is hard work, and we all need God's grace to make a marriage work. Any person who is a true believer (follower) of Jesus Christ needs to be involved in a Bible believing church. When we really grasp how bad our sins are before a holy God, and recognize the mercy His has toward us, we will be able to extend that mercy to our spouses. But if we think we 'deserve' something better than what we have, we have misunderstood the Gospel and bought into the lie of the culture that teaches us that we are 'entitled' to good things and prosperity. Prosperity is a blessing from God. God promises to give us good gifts if we know Him. But these blessings are gifts and not things we receive because we deserve them. If we get what we deserve, we would get hell. And rightly so, because that is what sin does for us. "The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ".
   Perhaps you do not know God yet and are not in a right relationship with Him. If you would like more information on this, please go to: The Gospel Conversation  or  http://test4gp.wordpress.com    This issue could not be more serious. Something to think about.

Suffering

   Years ago, in the circles I was in, I was led to believe that suffering was not from God. Now it could have been me just coming to wrong conclusions on things, but I misunderstood, and thought that when a person comes to Christ and is born again, the curse was removed from him or her, and now we would be able to live a 'suffering-free' life, if there was such a thing.
   I didn't understand that even after a person comes to Christ, it doesn't remove the person from being in a fallen world, and having the affects of it. I also mistakenly believed that if a person had enough faith, he or she would be healed from their disease or weakness.
   After taking some Biblical counseling courses, I began to see that every person that has ever been born, or who will be born someday, is going to experience suffering. It is just part of the territory.
   Suffering is not an evidence of God being weak, like I used to think, nor is it an indication of lack of faith.  God uses suffering to shape those who are His, into the image of His Son. God causes both His blessings, and sufferings to come on those who know Him, as well as those who don't. No one is exempt.
   Here are some causes for our suffering:
1. Other people
2. The devil
3. Living in a fallen world
4. Our own sin
5. Sometimes, for reasons only known to Himself, God

Here is what we can learn about suffering, based on God's character; God is sovereign and allows it. God loves His own and will be with each one through their suffering. God is with us and gives us the strength to go through it. We can help others who are suffering, once we have suffered. Suffering helps us come to maturity, spiritually speaking.
  Of course, that doesn't mean we take a defeatist attitude, or become fatalistic either. If we are suffering, we are to pray. We need to have others in the body of Christ walk with us through our sufferings. Our sufferings are momentary, and compared to the beauty and greatness of our God, they are light. It is true, that God may change our circumstances. But if He doesn't, then He will use our sufferings to help us to grow. It will be for our good, and for God's glory ultimately.
   If we are suffering as a consequence of our sins, then we can repent of our sins that are causing us grief. We still might have to suffer the consequences, but God will forgive us if we truly repent and He will even use the difficulties we experience for our good and His glory.
  The goal of suffering is to bring us to the Cross and to learn to depend on God. We learn to trust Him through our sufferings. And that is a good thing, and will bring forth good fruit in our lives.
"Suffering is the badge of the true Christian. The disciple is not above his master. Discipleship means allegiance to the suffering Christ, and it is therefore not at all surprising that Christians should be called upon to suffer." –Dietrich Bonhoeffer, executed in 1945

Having An Affair? No Fear of God There

   Just a quick thought. When a person is committing adultery, it shows that that person does not fear the Lord, for if he/she fears God rightly, that person would realize that God sees all, even when we think we are hiding. God is always with us, simply because He is omnipresent. God knows everything because He is omniscient. We might be able to hide from people, but we will never hide from God.

Is there Hope For Those Who Struggle With Homosexuality?

   I have been reading about actual case studies of Gay people and their struggle. In detail, there is a book by Mel White called 'Stranger At The Gate' which basically has the author telling his story of the struggles he went through as a Christian Gay man. I imagine that they are multitudes of people that have this same struggle as Mel White. And I say 'struggle' because almost all of the book talks about the struggle he went through, and the final episode of giving in to what he always wanted to do; live out his life as a Gay man, without having to stay in the closet to protect himself from the 'Religious Right' who he claims would like to exterminate every Gay person.
   As I read through this book, I want to shout out things as I read it, as if Mel White could hear what I am saying. I think I have some insight into what the problem is all about.
   As I started reading this book, I noticed that it was very personal, and very detailed. Mel White described what kind of home life he had, which shaped his understanding of the Scriptures and Christianity. Mel White tells about his being taught about the Bible and was raised in the church environment.
   The Bible tells us that if the foundation isn't right, the building will fall. In analyzing Mr. White's understanding of what he believes about God and sin, he indicated in several places that he was striving to please God. Certain things were taboo for him to do, such as; go to movies, play cards, drink liquor, and dance. His conscience never allowed him to do those things. But in his adult life, he found himself, a little bit at a time, branching out doing some of these things. And he was surprised and amazed that a lightning bolt didn't strike him down when he did. I admire this man's sincerity and perseverance through his struggle. At times, he believed that if he had enough faith, he would be healed from being Gay. But it didn't happen. I failed to read in the book, any reference to repenting from sin (not just homosexuality) and receiving God's grace to help in time of need. Every expectation of overcoming homosexuality was based on the assumption that he had to do something to make it happen. That is where the foundation is wrong. Everything else that is built on top of that belief system is sure to crumble.
   I have to bring up some points here before I go on. Mr. White had some very good observations, that are helpful for us to know about. He pointed out how the church always condemned homosexuality, and along with that condemnation, rejected people who were Gay. The church doesn't seem to know how help a person who is in open sin, without rejecting him or her. The church needs to embrace people who are struggling, not turn them away. They need help, and some of them really do want help. If the church doesn't help or show compassion, the Gay person will find what he or she needs in the world instead. The Gay person will reject Christianity altogether, or worse, come up with his own version of Christianity that goes along with his belief system. This is exactly what happened to Mel White, and I believe, this is why there is an LGBT Community today.
   The church has not only rejected Gay people. The church has largely rejected people that they see as sinners. The problem is, in those churches, the people who are part of them, including leaders, are serious sinners, as well. Their sin is hidden though, at least it is hidden to themselves. Others can see their sins, and it makes them appear as hypocrites. How does the Bible say we are to treat people? How did Jesus treat people? Jesus is known to be a 'friend of sinners'. Does that mean Jesus condones sin? Absolutely not! It was because of sin, Jesus had to come to earth and be killed. Our sin cost Jesus His life. But Jesus loved people and wanted them to be free from the sins that they were entangled with. The same is true today. Jesus loves people and died for them, to pay for their sins, but also to set them free from sin.
   It is not as easy as telling someone to 'repent' when that person is Gay. The Gay person does have to repent of his or her sins (all of them, not just homosexuality), and turn to God. When we come to Christ in repentance and faith, that does not mean we won't struggle with sin anymore. The opposite is now true. Our struggles will seem to intensify. But God's power can help us to be delivered. And the church is designed to have people who will minister to those who are suffering and broken. But for the Gay person to repent, he or she will have to have a good understanding of the Gospel first. That is foundational. The Gay person will have difficulties, at least for a while, and needs a person who is filled with faith and the Spirit of God to walk him through the difficult seasons he will be going through.
   The Gay person will learn that many of the things in his belief system are lies from the devil. The lies will seem plausible and will appeal to him or her. They will seem to make sense, but God has a better plan. We cannot just yank the lies out of the person. The lies are embedded in him or her. What are some of these lies?
   One lie is; I was born Gay. Another lie is; There is a category of sexual orientation that isn't talked about in the Bible, and a person can't change his or her sexual orientation. These are lies that are intended to keep the Gay person believing that there is no way out of being Gay. He or she is doomed to be a homosexual or lesbian. But, as hard as this may be to believe, that statement is not true. God can, and has changed/delivered people who were Gay. Here is a lie also; If you have enough faith, you can do anything (implying that if your prayer for being delivered from being Gay isn't answered, it is because you did not have enough faith). And this lie is just as destructive; If you pray hard enough, God will 'heal' you from being Gay.
   Let's go back to the Foundation though. The Foundation of everything that exists is Jesus Christ (Colossians 1:16,17). Our lives need to be on the Rock. The only way we can be on this Rock is to repent and put our trust in what Jesus did for us while He was dying on the Cross. When Jesus was dying a horrific death, God was putting all of your sin and mine (along with everyone else's) on His Son. The Bible says that God 'crushed' Jesus so that He would take our punishment upon Himself. Then He died, and was buried, and three days later, He arose from the dead. He still heals, saves, and delivers people from their sin and bondage. But, I think where people miss this is, that they know the Gospel (or parts of it) and believe it is true, but they haven't come to the place where they put their trust in Jesus Christ. They know about Him and think that salvation has been applied to them, when it really hasn't. Some people think they are saved when they raise their hand during an altar call. Others think they are saved because they prayed a prayer and are trusting in that. This is critical, because, unless a person truly comes to Christ in repentance and faith, he will not be saved, in spite of how much knowledge he has of the Gospel message. It has to be personally applied.
   Homosexuality is just one sin out of millions. It is not a newly developed sin, nor is God surprised that people become Gay. But God will punish sin, whether it be committing adultery, stealing, lying, hating, gossiping, slander, being angry, etc.
   The good news is that God does love people, and He wants people to be free from their sins (including homosexuality). The bad news is that we have to want to be free, and if we do, it will probably be a very long process for that to happen. But with the right help, and with God working in all this, change can happen.
   One other thing that struck me while reading Mel White's book, is that he struggled with homosexuality. One thing that this means is that whenever there is a struggle, then we are fighting against something that is bothering our consciences and we know it is wrong. God put that inside of every person. But if we take steps toward actual sinning, our consciences don't bother us so much. The more we accept sin as being ok, the less our consciences work. The reason Mr. White struggled, I believe, is that deep down in his heart, he knew that homosexuality is wrong. There were countless times he would try to deliver himself from being Gay, and after talking with another psychologist, he was told to go after his desire. The psychologist told him that he was a Gay man, and that he should pursue that kind of lifestyle, so Mr. White began to take steps toward divorce and weaning himself away from his family, in order to live with a man he really liked. His whole reasoning was based around the belief system that said that he had a sexual orientation that would be permanent. His sexual orientation was a gift from God to be used for God's glory. He believed that every time he enjoyed the sexual act, in such a way, God was smiling on him. Notice how Mr. White came up with his own belief system on who God is and what God thinks about our sin.
   Here is a thought; In Isaiah 6, Isaiah has a dynamic encounter with the True and Living God. He is in awe, and will never be the same. I wonder how much we would change if we had eyes to see God in His glory? A similar thing happened to Peter when Peter and the other fishermen were out on the boat fishing all night. They didn't catch any fish. They encountered Jesus, in the morning, and Jesus instructed the disciples to put out their nets. They reluctantly did, but boy they were surprised. The nets were so full of fish that they were breaking! What did Peter do? He freaked out! He realized something about Jesus that he didn't realize before. There was something definitely different about Jesus than any other person. He was beginning to realize that Jesus was God in the flesh! Both Isaiah and Peter had the same response. They both realized that they were terrible sinners in God's sight. This is what we call, 'The fear of the Lord' and it is a good thing. We recognize that God Almighty is powerful and we aren't.
   God is not like a watch maker who winds up the watch and pulls away while time goes on ticking. His presence is here, right with us, whether we like it or not, whether we believe it or not. When a person is practicing acts of homosexuality, God is right there with him or her. So this begs another question; What would you do if Jesus came to your house? I know literally, that won't happen, but spiritually, that is the condition we live in. What would change? What would you get rid of if you knew Jesus was going to be at your house in an hour?
   So, if you are Gay, do you feel comfortable knowing that the Creator of the Universe is right there with you when you are in bed? Do you have peace about what you are doing, and what you are doing to influence others?
   If you are Gay, you need to know that God will punish all immorality and that includes homosexuality. You are living in your own kingdom, not God's. But, you also need to know that God will give you the power to say 'no' to sin, and 'yes' to righteousness. You cannot change your heart, but God can. Please seek help with a trusted friend or counselor. Find a church that will be willing to work with you. For more information or if you have questions, please write to RUgood@mail.com
Remember, God is for you and wants you to be free. You were not intended to struggle the rest of your life with this (although we will still have struggles and difficulties until Jesus returns) but your only hope for help comes through the Cross of Jesus Christ. You cannot pull yourself up by your boot straps and change. You will be frustrated and discouraged if you try. There is hope if you want it.

http://americanvision.org/8136/new-twin-study-people-not-born-gay/

Satan Is The Master Deceiver

  Satan is very clever at lying. In fact, one of his names is 'The Father Of Lies". He lied to Adam and Eve in the Garden, and he is still lying today. Whether you can see this or not, he is trying to lie to you and me.
  What are some of his lies to us? For some, he would try to persuade us that we have sinned too greatly for God to forgive us. Or, he might tell us that our sin is not that big of a deal. He probably has told us that we are basically good, and reminded us of some of the good deeds we have done. One thing I have noticed that the devil does is to tell a person things that are not true about another person. We can see this happen a lot in marriages. Both spouses end up with distorted versions of what the other person is thinking. Satan loves to stir up strife between people.
  Some other lies are that God doesn't really love us, or that when bad things happen to us, God is punishing us. He makes it complicated for us to bring our sin and guilt to the Cross. Why? Because of the event of the Crucifixion, Satan is now defeated. He is disarmed. But he is still around speaking lies. His end has not come yet, but his end will come with the victory of the saints (redeemed human beings) one day, and he will be here no more to bother us. But God has allowed him to stay on earth for a season. God has also given us some weapons so we can fight against him and those in the kingdom of Darkness.
   In Ephesians chapter 6, God tells us that the type of warfare we are involved in is spiritual, not physical. We are to be in prayer. We are to know God's word of truth. We are to live out the Gospel in our lives. The light of the Gospel dispels the darkness. We are to become discerning people so we can tell the difference between the truth and the lies. We need to digest the word of God, spiritually speaking, and be worshipers of the True and Living God.
   In Isaiah 58, God tells us that we can set the prisoner free (prisoners here are people who are enslaved by sin). If we can have a good understanding of who God truly is, and we could see what kind of work the Enemy of our souls is up to, we could be victorious in battle. There will be struggles and difficulties, but the chains can be broken because 'Greater is He who is in you, than he who is in the world.'
   Satan uses half-truths as well, such as 'God is all-loving' and God is all-forgiving'. While the Bible says that 'God is love', God is still going to punish sin and sinners in hell for eternity. God's love is so great and deep that it caused Him to provide the ultimate sacrifice for our sins, so we won't have to go to hell for eternity, but we can have our sins forgiven, only if we repent and turn to God, and trust Jesus as our Savior from sin.
  So, I encourage you to be in God's Word continually, not in a legalistic way, but to feed upon it, grow in it, and be able to tell the difference between the Truth and the lies.

Treat The Weakest With Respect

“You can tell a great deal about a person, people, or faith based on how they treat the frailest of their own.” R.C. Sproul

  There's a tendency for all of us to go after the strongest, the most powerful, and the ones with money. That is what we do, by default. When we hire someone to work for us, we pick the best, most adequate person for the job. If we want a babysitter, we pick the one we trust most, and who has the best qualifications. Those things are fine to do, when looking for someone to hire to do a job, but we carry that kind of thinking into the church as well. 

  Many people really struggle with trying hard to please God. It seems that, even though we understand the Gospel and know of God's grace, we still try to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and bring something to the table to give to God. Why so we think so much like that? If we really understood the issue, we would understand that the only thing we can bring to God is our sin. And He has taken care of that through the Cross. I wonder if we also apply that thinking to others who come to us.

  But maybe you are like me. I have a tendency to think that people who are poor, for example, aren't really aware of what's going on. I sadly, have thought of people who are slow to respond, as if they were kind of like robots. But really, many times, just the opposite is true. The people who are disadvantaged or weak, have very deep feelings and emotions. God forgive us for thinking wrongly about them.

  We have a 'weak' man who has been coming to church. He follows us around like a puppy dog. I am impressed of how many people have taken an interest in this man. A few weeks ago, he wanted to know how to be saved. He dealt with guilt over some of the things he had done. Now he wants to come to a care group. We try to arrange for people to sit with him in church while we are not able to be there. This is a great opportunity for us to 'be' the church. This man will probably never be a pastor. He will probably never be on the streets sharing the Gospel. He will probably never write an article to be put in a magazine or blog. But he has a soul, and he is created in God's image. That is enough reason to serve him. We have no guarantee that he will be with us very long. 

   Sadly, someone did make a derogatory remark about him. It was disappointing to hear that, and I hope we can learn to be compassionate to others who come into our midst who aren't as fortunate as we are. At the same time though, I am very encouraged to find out how many have already ministered to, and are serving this man. 

  One observation I have also, is that when such a person comes into a church, you can tell, right away, the people who are gifted with mercy, or have compassion. Those are usually the people who gather around men or women, such as this newcomer.

   Some of our 'weakest' are our children. I don't know about you, but I know how I have overlooked children many times. Children are so cute, but when we adults are together for the serious work in the church, I practically ignore the children. I want to change in that area. They might be small, but they will remember how they were treated when they were in church, by others. We don't want them to be a statistic of the 90% of those raised in the church who leave the church when they become adults. Can we be more intentional in reaching out to our children?

   "At the same time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the middle of them, And said, Verily I say unto you, Unless you are converted, and become as little children, you will not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever shall receive one such little child in my name receives me. But whoever shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hung around his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea." Matthew 18:1-6

   Finally, there was a guy who had a hard life, and ended up being a tattoo maker. He saw a lot of flakiness in the church, but he does remember the lady who taught Sunday School, I think, who gave him a birthday party when he was four. He did remember that and I can tell that it ministered to his soul, even though everything else he saw in Christianity was unreal. That Sunday School teacher was wise. She regarded a little boy who was hurting and ministered to him. She was acknowledging that this little boy was created in God's image and would need to have a Savior to redeem him from his sins. This was on the Truth Project videos, with Del Tackett, if anyone is interested in watching them. They are excellent videos.

Happiness Comes Best Through Serving Others

Here is a quote from Ed Welch, and it is so true: "The best way to live--the way you will be most happy--is to make life more about God and other people than it is about you."

--Ed Welch

  Years ago, when I was much younger, I went through different phases of depression. My husband didn't know what to do with me. I even went to counselors to try to get help, but the best recommendation that we got from someone was that I needed to be serving other people. 

   After years of thinking about that, it made sense. There is just something that is therapeutic about serving others. It does bring joy to one's life when you are serving other people. The alternative is to serve yourself. 

  Serving oneself is kind of like the Dead Sea. In the Dead Sea, water just keeps on coming in, but nothing comes out of it. It just keeps on taking. That is why it is the 'Dead' Sea. There is no life in it because there is no give and take. It doesn't give out the water it receives. It just keeps taking it in. 

   That is like us in our selfish state. We just keep taking things in, but we never give away. God's blessings are abundant, but we keep them to ourselves. 

   We get the most joy and satisfaction when our lives are not about us. Maybe that's the way God intended it to be all along. Maybe because of the fall and our darkened understanding of things, we haven't discovered the joy and freedom that comes from serving others and living our lives out for something other than ourselves.

Taking On The Perpetrator's Guilt

   There are four main categories while dealing with those who are being counseled. They are, 1. suffering, 2. guilt, 3. anger, and 4. fear. Suffering is obviously the most prevalent of all, and Scripture talks to suffering people.
  The problem of guilt is very strong though. People feel guilty for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, the guilt is there as a response to an evil act that someone did. I even remember my dog having a 'guilty' look when he knew he was caught doing something wrong! Some guilt though, is not necessarily guilt from doing something wrong. The devil is clever at reminding us of our failures and he piles on the guilt, sometimes even when we didn't do anything wrong.
  I remember talking with a man one time, about the Gospel. He was convinced that his sins were too heavy or too great for God to forgive him of. He truly did feel guilty, because he was instructed to kill people in Afghanistan, which he did. He killed civilians as well, and now he was having a hard time dealing with his conscience. He had a hard time understanding, or believing that God would forgive him, even if he truly repented. That is what God is in the business of doing though, and He does it best.
  Today I am struck by another angle of this guilt. Many people don't know this, but in the case of a woman or even a little girl who has been raped, something usually always happens that is uniform in just about every case. The person, almost always a male, will tell the girl, after raping her, that if she tells anyone about it, he will do bad something to her. I have hears stories of men taking animals and killing them, then telling the raped woman that he will do that to her if she tells on him. So the little girl or whatever aged woman who just got raped, can't tell anyone about it, or the rapist will make sure she is punished. If that isn't bad enough, the rapist makes sure she knows something else; the rape was her fault. Not only does he threaten to punish her if she tells, but he even informs her that her being raped is her fault! What a trap of Satan that has boggled the minds of women through the centuries.
   I am thinking of those poor young women who were held hostage for a decade in a house in Cleveland, Ohio. These women were the unfortunate victims of a very sin sick man, who abused them in horrendous ways, ways, I'm sure we could never imagine. Ever since learning about how perpetrators treat their victims, you can be sure that this monster of a man has laid the guilt for his crime on these women. The three women who, by God's grace and mercy, were able to escape, are going to need a help that only God can give. They were treated like dirt for ten years. They were basically fed lies by this man, and thankfully they are now out of his dominion. We need to understand that when women come out of something like that, they are going to feel guilty, even though it wasn't their fault. This is where the church comes in. Whenever we counsel women who have experienced sexual abuse, we have to make sure that they do not take the guilt of the perpetrator. That is not their burden to bear. God never intended for women to be sexually abused, let alone taking on the guilt of the abuser.
   I remember trying to help a woman who was abused by men. The last one she was abused by was her ex-husband. He ended up hating her and putting the blame on her. That is what perpetrators do. We had to get her to say out loud, 'I am not responsible for Arthur's sin'. She wasn't responsible for his sin. He chose to be abusive. He will have to bear his own sin, and unless he repents and turns to God, he will pay for his sin in hell.
  I have been reading in the Bible about Jesus evaluating the Scribes and Pharisees. I was surprised to see how hard He came down on the Scribes. They were people who were taking advantage of the weak. Then they would make a pretense to be religious and gain the respect of the community, while ripping people off that couldn't defend themselves. Jesus indicated that their punishment was going to be worse than Sodom and Gomorrah!
  I do understand that at some point, the victim has to forgive the violator. But I think it is so important for the victim to first understand that she is not the cause of the perpetrator's actions against her. This is so important. She will struggle over and over again, and it will be hard for her to understand forgiving her perpetrator until she gets through this part of the difficulty.
  If you are a victim of sexual abuse, and have been violated, please take this to heart. It is not your fault that you got raped. If you have to tell yourself this 1,000+ times, please do it. Do not take the guilt of the perpetrator. If you do, you are not making him responsible for his sin. He will not learn the 'fear of God' if you carry his burden of guilt and believe his lies against you. Give this burden to God. Do not try to work this out in your own strength.
  If you are a perpetrator, and you want help to change, God is bigger than your wicked heart. You will need to repent and make restoration to those you have harmed. Sexual violation is a very serious crime. It is not the victim's fault that you raped her. You are totally responsible for your actions. Not only have you violated someone, but you are trying to make them bear your guilt. This is unacceptable. But know this; even though your sin is very, very serious, if you repent, and turn to Jesus Christ in faith, God can forgive your sin, as bad as it is. If you continue though in your activities of sexual abuse, then you are not really sorry for what you have done. Know that this sin is most serious. It is similar to that of the Scribes that Jesus encountered, of whom Jesus said that their punishment would be worse than those who lived in  Sodom and Gomorrah. The choice is yours.
  For more information on the Gospel, please go to: The Gospel Conversation or Take the Good Person Test. If you have any questions, please send an email to: RUgood@mail.com

Human Beings Are A Complicated Mixture

   How many times have we seen people who have good qualities end up in trouble with something? Take the man who pastors a church and believes in God's holiness. He holds to a high standard of human being living as acceptable to God. Yet, this man ends up in prison on child molestation charges. Or look at the man who sincerely loves God and teaches the Bible accurately. He seems to have a passion for making God's name known in truth. Yet he ends up leaving the ministry, a very bitter man because of disagreements with others leading the ministry. He ends up in a ball of bitterness which becomes the foundation of all that he does from now on. Then there's the mom out there that wanted children but couldn't have them. She finally gets pregnant, and gives birth to a beautiful child which she ends up killing a couple of years later because she couldn't control her anger. Things like this happen every day and we always ask, 'Why?'
   Why did the man who served under Hitler, have a family he loved and took care of? These questions can really throw us off. We are black and white people. Either something is completely one way or completely another way. But the composition of human beings is different. It is not that way with human beings and there is a good reason for that.
  We hear from family members concerning a child or brother who has been found guilty of a brutal murder, and what do they usually say? It is something like this, "My brother would never do something like that." We might hear, "He wouldn't hurt a fly." We seem to be taken by surprise. Yet, there is an answer to this mystery.
   When God first created human beings, He made them in His image. That means there will be certain characteristics that will mirror what God is like. One of them is creativity. Another would be having dominion. In the case of human beings, man was to have dominion over animals and other parts of God's creation. All human beings have a natural love. But even this love can be suppressed. We can make decisions. We can build things. We can do a lot of other things because of being created in God's image. But something really drastic happened to make all this unclear to us today. After God created man in His image, He gave man everything that grew from the Garden for food. But there was one tree in particular, out of all the trees that God created, that God did not give permission for man to eat from. If man were to eat from it, he would die. This was spiritual death, but it also brought about physical death. Man disobeyed, and God pronounced a curse on mankind, as well as on the earth and on the devil. Not too long after this, man found himself involved in wars, murders, and all kinds of difficulties were on the horizon for mankind. Now the dilemma begins. People who were created in God's image, now have sinful hearts. No wonder Paul expresses grief at this struggle in Romans 7. We are now born in sin, yet we still are in the image of God. How interesting. How mysterious. This is why we have a hard time understand people. This is why we have a hard time understanding the Gospel. It would seem to us that if we are created in God's image, then basically we are good people. But if we really took a good look at our hearts, and if we could remember every evil thought or intention we had during the week, we might have a different understanding of ourselves. Can people who are created in God's image really be sinful? Yes! That is what happened to us. God created us perfect and in His image. Adam sinned by disobeying God and plunged the whole human race into sin. The image of God in human beings, although blurred, is still there.
   But understand that by being created in God's image does not mean we automatically go to heaven when we die. God must punish sin, all sin, every sin we commit has to be punished, even though we are created in God's image. That doesn't cancel our sinful hearts. God punished our sins when He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to earth 2,000 years ago. He died in our place. He carried our sins on Himself and took the punishment for us. But that doesn't automatically get us off the hook. We have to turn from our sins and repent, and trust in Jesus as our Savior. Then He becomes our Lord as we live out our lives for His glory. See also http://thegospelconversation.blogspot.com for more information on that.
  So we are a complicated mixture. But God has a plan. When we are born again, we receive a new heart. We still have the capacity to sin, but our new heart can't sin and hates sin. We experience the turmoil that Paul did as he expressed in Romans 7. He asks a question; "Who will deliver me from this body of death?". He answers the question right after that one; "But thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!".
  So the next time you are dealing with a loved one or friend, and you can't figure them out, remember that they are complicated. He or she is created in God's image, yet he or she has a sinful nature, which blurs the image of God and affects his or her whole being. God wants us to love one another, and be patient with one another. He wants us to speak the truth in love. Don't think that you friend is hopeless. God is at work and promises that once He begins a work, He will complete it. That is what we aim for. We watch God begin good works in the lives of people. Then we patiently, lovingly walk with them as they grow in discipleship.

The Four Horsemen - Is Your Marriage In Trouble?

   One of the books we were assigned to read in the marriage counseling class was "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, PH. D., and in the beginning of the book he makes some interesting statements. One of them has to do with his 'love lab' in which he takes a married couple and analyzes their interactions with each other while they are in this room in which he can look into in order to observe them. He says that he can tell if a marriage will end up in divorce within five minutes of observing the couple. He has a record of being 95% accurate.
   One of the things he looks for, he calls, 'the four horsemen'. The four horsemen are 1). Criticism, 2). Contempt, 3). Defensiveness, and 4). Stonewalling (indifference).
   Although Gottman does not profess to be a Christian, he has some insight into the dignity of human beings. The four horsemen are definitely signs of problems in a marriage. We know the solution for our wickedness and the way we treat others comes through repentance and faith in Jesus Christ. This can only happen because of the death of Christ on the Cross for our sins. God gives us the ability and the desire to repent of our sins, whereas in the world, the best a person can do is to try to change and do better. Sometimes this works for a while, but is usually short lived. Only by the power of the Holy Spirit, Who indwells those who are redeemed from their sins, can we ever hope to be changed.
   It is important for us to honestly evaluate our lives and look at our own hearts. It is easy for us to see the sin in our spouse's life, but our own sin is usually invisible to us. In many marriages, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are common activities carried out in the relationships. But they are danger signs, as well.
   If you observe these tendencies in your own marriage, your marriage could be in trouble. There is a cure, but we must desire the cure and not only the relief for the symptoms. The cure is found in the Cross of Jesus Christ. The Bible explains that when a person comes to Christ in repentance (turning away from sin) and faith (trust in Jesus Christ as Savior), that person becomes a new creature in Christ. It explains further that old things are passed away and all is become new. A believer in Jesus Christ has a new heart. The new heart has good desires. The problem that remains though, is that even with a new heart, there is still the old heart that continually wants to be selfish. That is why the Bible says to 'Put off the old' and 'Put on the new'.
  When a person is a new creature in Christ, he or she will be able to bear the fruit of the Spirit, which is love, joy peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. If both people in a marriage are bearing the fruit of the Spirit, they can grow together in love, and the 'four horsemen' will eventually ride away as the couple turns to God for help.
   Is your marriage in trouble? There is hope. Our hope is in God, and our help comes from God. Otherwise, our marriages will fall apart, and our relationships with people will be askew.
   For more information concerning having a relationship with God, go to The Gospel Conversation  or  Good Person Test Page

Why Does Death Bring Us So Much Pain?

   While we were driving in the car on the way to a memorial for a friend's daughter who was killed, my husband was asking why it has to hurt so much when you lose someone you love. That is a good question. Why couldn't God have made us a little more independent of each other so when one dies, it doesn't hurt so bad.
   I didn't really have any answers to that question, but after taking a Biblical counseling course on marriage counseling, I think I might have some insight. Although I have heard this before, I had never made the connections to God being relational in His existence. We were learning how human beings are created in God's image, and I never really understood any connections of that fact to anything else in life until now.
  God exists in relationship. Man is created in God's image, and exists in relationships. God is, and always has been in relationship with Himself, by way of the Trinity. Man, of course, is not like God in that way, but God did create man to be in relationships with others. We could even say that man is gregarious. No man is an island. When God first created man (Adam), he brought the animals to Adam, and Adam named them, but God in His wisdom knew that the animals would not provide the type of relationship that was suitable for Adam, so, God created Eve. Eve was exactly was Adam needed for a relationship.
 So, when we are in relationship with one another, we are affected by one another, whether it be a marriage relationship, family relationship, or relationships in the body of Christ. We were made for relationships. This is one aspect of how man reflects the image of God.
  The Bible gives an illustration of the body being made up of many members (body parts). It says that when one part of the body hurts, all the parts of the body hurt. If one part of the body rejoices, all the parts rejoice.
  When we lose someone we love, it hurts. It is very painful for us. That is because we were made for relationships. God has enjoyed relationship with Himself from eternity past and will continue to enjoy His relationship with Himself throughout eternity. God will never experience having one part of the Trinity die, but in a sense He did experience the pain of grieving when He sent His own Son to die for our sins. That pain was excruciating to God the Father as He placed all our sins on His Son, so that we could be free from having to pay the penalty for our own sins. God was grieved at the sins of mankind in Genesis chapter 6. People were so wicked they were inventing new ways of wickedness. God provided a huge boat that would carry those who would repent of their wickedness and sin, but only 8 people responded. God was very sad about the sin of mankind that He destroyed the rest of mankind in the Flood. God was very sad to have to destroy mankind, but God was sad when He gave His Son to die for our sins. Yet, He did it gladly, because now many, many people will come to know Him and have a relationship with Him through the Cross of His Son.
  God grieves, and people grieve. Yet God is with us as we grieve, if we know Him. He carries us through the time of our serious pain, and brings us to the other side.
  God exists in relationship. We are created in His image. We were made to live in relationship with one another. We are not islands or robots. We were made for fellowship and relationship with God and one another.

Mutual Love and Respect in Marriage

   I am taking a class on marriage counseling right now, and in some ways, there are many similarities between marriage counseling and counseling one on one. But there are differences also. Every issue we have to deal with goes back to the heart. Because our hearts are wicked, we are self-centerered and many times, egotistical, and if we are not careful, we could find Bible verses to support our erroneous thinking.
   One misunderstanding we tend to have, is that of thinking that, because God appoints men to be the heads of their wives, that means that women are second class citizens. If we are not careful, we could end up believing that.
   I have heard people talk, and there are some who reject the Gospel because they think that it gives the right for a man to be the 'bully' of his household. Why would anyone think that, we wonder? Well, for one thing, we tend to take Bible verses out of the contextual meaning, and try to make it fit what we want it to say, or, what our understanding of the subject is, even if we are mistaken.
  For example, people really believe that since women are supposed to be submissive to their wives, that means, by default, that men have more power from God and are to control their wives. I have seen this mistake also made by people who are confused by the doctrine of the Trinity. We know that God is completely unified and that in a way we cannot fathom, He works with Himself to bring glory to Himself. That is way over our heads, but we don't struggle with that. What we struggle with though, is the fact that Jesus was submissive to His Father. Somehow, in our limited thinking, we understand that to mean that Jesus is less than the Father. We battle for years trying to figure out how such statements can make sense. But much of our misunderstanding has to do with the fact that we don't understand the word 'submission'. When we hear such a word, we think automatically of slavery. In slavery, there is an unwritten belief that the slave is less than the master. The way slavery came to be, probably validates this thinking. I don't believe God condones slavery, in the way it was done in early America, and in the slave trade. But I think our understanding of submission comes from the concept of slavery. So when the Bible says that wives are to submit to their own husbands, we automatically get a picture of a slave and his or her master. A slave doesn't have rights of his own. When a family made a decision, it usually didn't consult the slave for an opinion.
   I believe our concept of a man and woman relationship which involves women submitting to their own husbands, comes from this idea of slavery. You would be surprised at how large of a problem this is in the body of Christ today. What the average Christian man is missing is the rest of the context of the verses that surround the verses on wives submitting to their husbands. If they realized and understood what was being said, they would see a whole different picture.
   When God first created man and woman, the woman was created to be a help-mate to man. This implies that man alone needs help, outside of himself. So if a man treats his wife like a slave, how can she be an effective help-mate to him? The Bible says that the man is to love his wife, not just a little, but in the same way Christ loved the church. We pass over verses like this because we think we already love. I can't begin to tell you how many people I talk to, when asked the question about loving God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, who respond by saying that they already do that. It is because we think of love as something we enjoy, rather than an object for which we must sacrifice our desires for. God created marriages for the husbands and wives to work together, like on a team. The husband certainly leads the way and makes the final decisions, but not without his wife's input.
   The Bible also tells men to treat their wives with respect as the weaker vessel. 1 Peter 3:7 says, "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." ESV. It says that the wives are the heirs with them of the grace of life. Husbands have a serious responsibility to their wives.
   If you are a man considering marriage, take these things into consideration. Being married is a big responsibility. We can only develop a really good marriage if we have a good relationship with God, Himself. The power for sanctification comes from God, and in a marriage, both husband and wife will need to die to themselves and serve each other. If you go into a marriage thinking this is your opportunity to 'own' another person, or to control someone, you are greatly mistaken and are setting yourself up for major disappointment! 
  If you do not know the grace of God in your life and would like to learn more about the struggle between man and God, please go to http://thegospelconversation.blogspot.com

Are Women Supposed to 'Submit' to Abusive Husbands?

I have been studying Biblical counseling for about 2 years now, and the particular class I am in now, is on marriage counseling. I am somewhat surprised at what I am learning, yet glad to know what goes on behind the scenes. Let me explain further.
   When I first came to Christ, God had done a wonderful, great work in my heart. There was no question, I was a new creature in Christ. Christ was now being formed in me. But there were still many shortcomings and problems in my life. One of them was that I needed discipleship. No one really knew what discipleship was, and we weren't receiving very much solid teaching of the Scriptures. That can be a dangerous place to be, because by nature, we are always interpreters. We interpret life through the grid of the Scriptures, or we interpret life through the grid of our experiences, as best as we know how. The Bible tells us to renew our minds with the word. We have to have the mind of Christ, and we all need wisdom from God. If we don't have those forming in us, we can come up with many strange, erroneous conclusions, much like I did, and those around me in the church did, as well. Sadly, there are many churches that still have theology formed from one Scripture. Instead of taking the whole of Scripture, and interpreting life through that, we pick a Bible verse and try to make heads or tails out of it. We add our own speculation to it, and if it sounds plausible, we accept it as truth. If we apply it to our lives, it can become dangerous. So here goes. I will attempt to explain my latest concern.
    When I first came to Christ, people, especially men, were very fond of a Bible verse that went like this; "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands." I can't begin to tell you how misconstrued this became in our thinking. We all submit to Scripture as true. But unless we compare Scripture with Scripture, we are going to take things out of context, such as this Bible verse, which ends up meaning a whole different thing than what God has intended it to mean.
  I heard this verse a lot. My interpretation of this became such that, to me it meant that, no matter what my husband did, I have to submit to it and agree with it. This thinking became embedded in my mind, and many years after we were married, I relied on my husband to do my spiritual thinking for me. I believed myself to be a second class citizen with very little rights. Now I was fortunate as to not be married to a tyrant or bully. But many Christian women are less fortunate than I was. Early in our marriage we were able to get involved in a church where good marriage principles were taught, and our marriage benefitted from that.
   A few years back, there was a teaching done by Carolyn Mahaney (wife of C.J. Mahaney) called, 'Watch Your Man.' It is an excellent teaching if you can ever find this on CD I recommend that you listen to it. My daughter heard this with a group of women. What was surprising was that the older women in the group (the ones that were my age) seemed to think the teaching was radical. They weren't used to having that kind of freedom in their marriages. The younger women didn't struggle as much with it. It is a teaching explaining that our men (husbands) need our help as a help mate. This didn't tie in with my thinking because I always thought that men get to call the shots and women have to go along with it, even if he is sinning. But that is not so. If our man is engaging in sin, we have a responsibility to help him see his sin. If the man believes that he gets to call the shots and has a right to be sinful, because he is the spiritual leader of the home, then he is in error. He needs someone to point that out to him. Our husbands need to be in fellowship with other men. They need discipleship as well.
   The Bible is very clear that men are to love their wives. I think many Christian men think they already love their wives, and that is why they can do whatever they want in the relationship. They mistakenly think the the woman has to submit to him, in whatever he wants. Biblically speaking, she shouldn't submit to his sin, and he is abusing his authority when he tries to make her submit to him, while sinning.
   There are Christian men, some of them even pastors, who believe this verse on wives submitting to their husbands means they can force their wives into submission by threatening and manipulation. It has happened where men pull their wives hair to keep them in one place, hold a gun to them, or just threaten to leave or kill. Some have taken a family pet and killed it to make themselves heard. If you are a man who has been redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ, and you are doing these things to your wife, you need to stop and get help. This kind of problem goes beyond a marriage problem This is a personal problem that is a power struggle. This is most serious. You do not own your wife, and you have no right to threaten her if she isn't doing what you want her to do. Your actions are going to have serious repercussions. Don't think that no one knows about this. God does. The Bible says that men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Threatening your wife because she isn't cooperating with you as you would like, is an act of hate. It is abusing the authority you have as a husband. If there are children looking on, they will remember what they see. In fact, if you have sons, there is a good possibility that they will do the same thing to their wives, when they marry. Or, another scenario is one where the son becomes so angry at the father or stepfather, that he will want to kill him (I have seen this one personally).
   The answer is that we need a new heart. Our hearts are sinful and we don't even see our sins, many times. Jesus died to pay the penalty for our sins. Not only is there forgiveness in the blood of Jesus, but there is power to change. It gives us the power to say 'no' to sin and 'yes' to righteousness. We can't live a life of holiness in our own strength. It is impossible. We have to have the power of God, or we will stumble and become discouraged. Please get help if you are in this situation. If you are a women who is being abused, and can't get away from your abusive husband, see if you can find a shelter for abused women or children. God designed for you and your husband to live in a complementary relationship. Your husband is to lead, serve, protect, and provide for you. He needs your prayers to be able to do this properly. If he does not respond to God, and continues to promote his innocence while still carrying out acts of abuse, then you need to find a place of protection.

We Need To Have The Bigger Picture

   When I was a real little girl, (yes, I know that was a long time ago, but it is true) my mom took my brother and I to the grocery store. In those days, we walked to places instead of driving there. So, we were in this grocery store called, "Shop-Rite" and on the end of one of the aisles was a little toy section. For some reason, on this particular day, I wanted a toy from that selection. It was probably a book. I asked my mom if she would buy it. She said that she didn't have money to buy it with. Was she lying to me? I knew that if I went into her purse, I would find money. I always saw money when I got into her purse. What was wrong with this picture?
  The truth was, my mom probably did have some money in her purse. But the money was going to be used to pay for something else besides a toy for me. In my preschool aged mind, I couldn't comprehend that. It didn't make any sense to me. The problem was that I wasn't mature enough, nor experienced enough to understand how people were supposed to spend money. I didn't understand the concept of a budget yet. I didn't understand that there were different allocations for the use of my mom's money. I simply did not have enough information to understand the bigger picture of life when it came to economics.
  I said all this to say something related to this subject when it comes to counseling people, especially those who have been victimized. It is easy for those of us who have been taught well in the church to forget that not everyone has this understanding of life. Believe it or not, there are some people who have been raised in families who practiced Satanic worship. If any of these people ever do come to their senses, (which some thankfully have) we will have to be patient with them when it comes to trying to help them, and especially when it comes to helping them understand about life and how life works.
  There are some people who, when they were children, had to raise themselves. They were true 'latchkey' children. They may not even have any idea who their dad is, and hardly see their momma because she is working 2 or 3 jobs to put food on the table for her children. These children are disadvantaged because there is no one there to teach them at home. I see people (adults) today just walk out into a road with busy traffic. Perhaps no on taught them how to look both ways when they are supposed to cross the street. Actually, there are a few latchkey children that excel, because they have figured out about life just by being in their own circumstances! I heard or read about such a person. He was homeless and not really allowed to be in school (because he had to have a home address in order to attend), but this young man was determined to make it in life. Educationally speaking, he made it to the top. This is rare, but it can happen.
   Whatever the reason is, when people come to us for counseling in the church, some of them will not have a solid, well-informed background on life or reality. One person I know, had been taught that the devil was our creator and that he was the one who is sovereign over all. If we deal with a person who has this type of background, and we don't understand how this thinking could shape a person's worldview, we probably won't be of much help to that person. It was no wonder that the particular person struggled in understanding what the Bible says about who God is, and how His power can set us free. We don't have to be subject to the devil anymore, because of what Jesus did for us on the Cross.
   Finally, when it comes to helping a person who has a background made up of false beliefs or ignorance, it will be hard for that person to know what to expect from the church, as far as being able to help them. How much can a church help? How much should a church help? Basically, there are different people in the church that have different giftings and abilities, and some of them can be applied to helping the person in need. One person can spend time walking the counselee through difficult times. Another can bring groceries. Some might be able to help in assisting in rent or helping pay the bills temporarily. The goal is to be with the person until they can get on their feet again. It is not to pay for the counselee's livelihood the rest of his or her life.
   It is easy for those seeking help from the church to not have enough information to know what to expect from the church. It is easy for those who have been victimized or abused as a child, to look to the church to rescue them. Many times, they will come to the church for help, but will expect the church to take full responsibility for them, and when the church doesn't do that (or even people in the church individually don't do that for them), these people get angry. They might say something like, "These people have a lot of money, yet here I am sitting in poverty. It's not fair". These are real feelings that they have, but they are missing the 'bigger picture'. They might even imagine people in the church going on cruises or taking extravagant vacations and wonder why some of that money isn't delegated to their cause. This is what happens when people don't have the bigger picture of life. They don't have enough information to understand the framework of how life works for people who are Christians in the church.
   So, the answer? I'm not really sure, but I know that the church has some responsibility to help the poor. Those who are being discipled properly know that their lives aren't their own. We are to 'love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength" and 'love our neighbor as ourselves'. We live sacrificially. It is possible for people to live sacrificially and still have two cars and live in a two story house on a nice piece of property. It is possible for people who love God with everything they have, to go on a cruise. But for people who are on the outside looking in, complaining because they are not getting the help they need because people in the church are being selfish, is something that they are concluding without having all the information. It is very similar to the time I thought my mom had enough money in her purse to buy me a toy, when she really didn't, although there was money in her purse. It just wasn't delegated for toys.
   Yes, it is possible for people in a church to be selfish. There are a lot of reasons for that. That particular church might not value the Scriptures highly. Their focus could be on self improvement instead of the Gospel. But it could be a church that knows the truth, but is weak in doctrine. But if it is a church that is healthy and growing, and it appears that the people are selfish, perhaps in a kind way, the person being counseled can bring it to the attention of those in the church, and they can evaluate whether they are truly being selfish or not.
  If you are reading this, and have been abused or are a victim of SRA or rape, you have my sympathy. I encourage you to find a good church in your area to get help (please email me privately if you don't know a church you can trust, and I will try to help you find one). But please be careful of what you think you should expect from the church. Really, Jesus is the only One who can rescue and give you the help you need. The body of believers in a church can help, but it will be limited. I hope this is helpful for my readers. Please email me if you have any questions at RUgood@mail.com .