Corrective Parenting - Loving Discipline or Shaming and Distancing Ourselves?

"How many people do you know who started following Jesus because someone scolded them, disapproved of them personally, or made it clear how appalling their “lifestyle” is? I have been a Christian for more than twenty-five years and a minister for seventeen. I have never met one." Scott Sauls

When I heard that quote today, I thought of how true it is, especially in the area of evangelism. If you are minding your own business and someone comes up to you and talks to you about eternity, then berates you for being an unbeliever, who could blame you for not wanting to listen to this guy?

Sadly, that is what happens though, not only in evangelism, but also in parenting. How many times have well meaning parents scolded their child when he or she did wrong? How many parents have distanced themselves from their child when the child has done something to break the rules? I have been guilty of doing this myself. 

What is it about us that we think we have to make our children feel bad about their sins? Could we be trying to do the work that only God can do, in their hearts? Could we even be listening to the lies of the devil in trying to shame our children when they need loving correction?

Don't get me wrong. I do believe many loving, diligent parents are doing these things without intending harm. They mistakenly believe that we have to humiliate them and make them feel the pain of our rejection, in order for them to change. That is not good parenting though. The discipline is (or should be) hard enough on the child. Even just taking away privileges can be effective (cause and effect) sometimes. When we try to make our children feel shamed or guilty, or if we distance ourselves from them, we are not serving them, but we are in danger of creating a way of thinking for our children to comply on the outside, while still being corrupt on the inside. The heart is not dealt with, and the child has other issues now to deal with besides dealing with the consequences of his or her wrongdoing. In other words, this kind of parenting could lead to legalism. And no one wants to produce a little Pharisee. 

A Double Whammy For Those Who Are Sinned Against

We imprison ourselves because of what others have done to us when they sin against us. But, this also is a choice that we make. Let me explain.

Someone sins against us in a serious way. We have a hard time telling others what has been done when the person sinned against us. Sometimes, we do tell others, and their response to us is, 'you have to forgive the person'. While it is true that the sinned against person has to forgive, that is not the place to start if you want to help someone struggling with being sinned against.

Being sinned against can be minor offenses or major violations. We have to recognize first of all, that it is ok to acknowledge the offense and agree that it was wrong. We try to get the cart before the horse, so many times, and cause more damage to the person asking for help. We want people to be set free from the sin that they are growing, not the opposite.

A person who has been sinned against needs to be vindicated, to begin with. This is critical, because the person who has been sinned against might be thinking he or she is to blame for the sin committed against them. Many times, the perpetrator will project that onto the person as well. The sinned against person needs someone to validate them. This can be done by listening to the person and not reacting by trying to minimize the hurt. Also, it is not a good thing, at this point, to try to give reasons for the violator doing the crime. There may, and probably are, many valid reasons that the perpetrator did those things. But that does not help the sinned against person.

The sinned against person very likely will believe that God is angry with them or punishing them because He allowed the person to sin against them. This is a big lie from the Enemy of our souls that has led many to despair. We have to know the truth that God does allow bad things to happen to us, yet, in the way He works in our lives, He will turn the bad (even the horrible) around for our good, if we know Him. This can sound trite to a person who is really suffering. They need to understand that God is for them, and not opposed to them no matter how difficult or painful the situation. We need to be with them in their pain.

So, it is like a double whammy for the person who is sinned against, because he or she will eventually have to forgive that person who sinned against him or her.

The problem comes when the offense is never dealt with (or dealt with in a wrong way). The person remains hurt and continues to dwell in it. Bitterness grows. The person is not in a healthy place spiritually anymore. She needs help. She needs someone to listen to her, validate her, not give her advice, nor try to destroy or vindicate the offender. If this is walked through delicately, and over time, this person can be set free from the raging anger and bitterness that will imprison him or her.

Most of all, the offended person needs prayer! God can deliver him from bitterness and vengeance. Only God can set him free from bitterness and desire for vengeance for the offending person. Otherwise, he will remain in a prison of bitterness the rest of his life. The sad part is, that he will probably not even recognize that he is in prison, and will remain there until the day comes when he wants to be free from his imprisonment.

"He who the Son sets free is indeed free!"

"As you go with your accuser before the magistrate, make an effort to settle with him on the way, lest he drag you to the judge, and the judge hand you over to the officer, and the officer put you in prison. I tell you, you will never get out until you have paid the very last penny.” Luke 12:58 ESV

Good Book Recommendation

We are going through the series in our counseling class at this time. Tedd Tripp does a good job at helping us understand the difference between disciplining our children because of their behavior, or, showing our children what is going on in their hearts.

Many today want their children to behave properly. We have to look at our motives as to why do we want our children to behave properly. Good behavior is good, isn't it? Well, good behavior is a result of a heart that has been changed by the power of God. If we only deal with the behavior aspect of it, we don't reach the heart and the Gospel message will be missed by the child.

Some want their children to behave properly in order to make themselves look good. I remember falling into those traps when I was a young mother. I remember the days when my kids would be disruptive while we are shopping. To me, this was unacceptable behavior and I would react by being angry at them. We are supposed to be representing God. There is no room for bad behavior.

Some of what we fear has to do with peer pressure. Peer pressure isn't something we outgrow, or that just affects teenagers. It is a heart issue that has to be dealt with whatever age we are.

I began to see things a little differently when I was grocery shopping years ago. While paying for my stuff, there was a mom with several kids who were making a big ruckus. They were obviously out of control. People were looking at this family with disdain. Then the mom started to be out of control and was yelling at the kids in the store.

After I thought about this incident, I began to see it in a different light. Children, at times, are going to act up and do things that make us look bad. The problem is, people will look at us with glaring eyes and sneers with comments of how we must be bad parents. That is the American way. But if we look at it deeper, we can understand the fact that children will have bad behavior at times. Their hearts need to be dealt with. They need to see their self-centeredness and pride. If we don't teach those things to our children, they will grow up to be monster-like. And if we don't take time to train them, then we will react with anger toward them when they act up.

Anyway, here is a book that is highly recommended, that will help us understand how we can help our children to look at their own hearts. Yes, we discipline them but not because they make us angry, or embarrass us. We discipline them because we want them to learn 'the fear of the Lord'. That is the only way they will ever learn wisdom.

                                                              

Article On Why French Children Do Not Have ADHD But American Children Do

While this article is not written from a Christian perspective, it contains some valuable insights that we can learn from.

I always had my suspicions when I hear someone saying that their child or some child they know has ADHD and is being treated for it. Is it a heart problem, or does the child really have some kind of difficulty with being able to focus on something?

The article, written by a therapist, discusses the difference between the social life, and family environment that exists in France with the social life and family environment we have in America. Sadly, it seems that America has fallen into the trap of not disciplining their children properly and not providing their children with boundaries, which make the child feel secure. American parents are too preoccupied with their own lives to invest anything in the children, generally speaking.

Here is the url to the article:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/suffer-the-children/201203/why-french-kids-dont-have-adhd

Also notice, that in America, there seems to be a pressure to be meshed in with the pharmaceutical companies. They do not have this pressure in France. Although the article does not talk about heart issues, the French are closer in their way of thinking and treating this problem than we in America are. Could this be a result of so many churches and preachers preaching a weak, self-serving Gospel?

Notice how, in America, we take issues like ADHD and diagnose them as a biological problem. Why can't we go deeper into the issues and look at underlying causes for such diseases?

(I am not saying that every single time a child has ADHD, that it is caused by something wrong in the family.)

Excerpts from the article written by Marilyn Wedge, Ph.D

In the United States, at least 9 percent of school-aged children have been diagnosed with ADHD, and are taking pharmaceutical medications. In France, the percentage of kids diagnosed and medicated for ADHD is less than .5 percent. How has the epidemic of ADHD—firmly established in the U.S.—almost completely passed over children in France?

Is ADHD a biological-neurological disorder? Surprisingly, the answer to this question depends on whether you live in France or in the U.S. In the United States, child psychiatrists consider ADHD to be a biological disorder with biological causes. The preferred treatment is also biological—psycho stimulant medications such as Ritalin and Adderall.

French child psychiatrists, on the other hand, view ADHD as a medical condition that has psycho-social and situational causes. Instead of treating children's focusing and behavioral problems with drugs, French doctors prefer to look for the underlying issue that is causing the child distress—not in the child's brain but in the child's social context. They then choose to treat the underlying social context problem with psychotherapy or family counseling. This is a very different way of seeing things from the American tendency to attribute all symptoms to a biological dysfunction such as a chemical imbalance in the child's brain.

The Seriousness Of Being Sexually Abused and of Being The Abuser

I am puzzled, yet, now I can see where things going on in our country in the area of the sexual revolution makes sense.

This link leads to a very helpful website that tells how people who are abused, many times, turn out with sexual difficulties. The people, of course, would not call their sexual difficulties 'difficulties' because they want to feel normal. They would like you to believe that their revolutionary beliefs on sex are totally normal and acceptable.

A couple of things stood out to me when I read this article. One of them is the prevalence of sexual abuse. The other is that there always does seem to be a profound affect on the person who is sexually abused, especially as a child.

We know that people are buying into the 'lie' that the Bible talks about. Romans 1 talks about people who have turned their backs on God, and as a result, they become sexually perverted. Their sexual desires become twisted. But are there other reasons for their perversions possibly?

It is hard for a child to grow up and understand sexuality correctly if he or she has been abused. When someone has been sexually abused, they will by default, do something to protect themselves. Their dignity has been stolen. Their boundaries have been ripped away. Some become mentally ill because of what has happened to them. Not only that, but they end up with a distorted view of God.

A person who sexually abuses a child or another person does not realize the seriousness of what he is doing. There are a lot of ramifications to being sexually abused and many things are lost in a person who has been abused.

Here is the link to the article. I am sure there are perverted people out there who are in places of authority who would not like this article. Remember, those who are perverted and are in leadership have money, and money buys control. But we have the word of God which is more powerful than money, and we can use it to bring deliverance and healing to a lost and broken world.

sex-and-the-singularly-abused-girl

I guess what I am puzzled at is how many people, mostly males, can get away with doing these acts of crime and not feeling guilt or shame but just continuing on in doing these activities without blinking an eye. On top of what they have done, which is horribly wrong, almost always, they will threaten the person they have abused by telling them there will be a punishment or penalty if the abused person tells on him. Does this person not realize that this kind of measure of cruelty will be dealt back to him or her one day? God will not have mercy unless this person responds to the Gospel and receives a new heart.

One more thing to keep in mind: I was listening to an authority on this subject speak on homosexuality in men (Laura Hendrickson). She had brought out the fact that she believes, men who are homosexuals, were sexually abused as children. I thought that was interesting. Again, I know homosexuals and have a hard time imagining what happened in their homes while they were growing up. Of course, it may not have been with a parent. It could have been with an older friend or relative who did the sexual abusing.

Remember, our hope is always with the Gospel. Our hope is in the Cross of Jesus Christ. If you are a victim of sexual abuse, God can heal you. God will take the baggage off if you allow Him to. God will restore your dignity and you can be placed in His safe boundaries.

If you are a sexual abuser, you need to be honest with yourself. God can save you. He can grant you full repentance. He can change your heart and set you free from your enslavement to perversion. You don't have to live this way. You too, can be free. You cannot continue to live like you are living and expect anything good to come out of this. God will deal most heavily with those who abuse their authority.

For more information on the Gospel message, please go to http://thegospelconversation.blogspot.com

And I Was The Bully

   All throughout my life, I was bullied around. I didn't talk very much and other children assumed I was 'dumb' and took advantage by bullying me around in a variety of ways.

   I used to feel sorry for myself and thought that I was the only one experiencing this type of problem. Whenever I would think of giving my testimony, I always included this experience as part of it.

   But the missing part that I forgot about was, I became the bully. By the time I was 13 or 14, I was tired of people bullying me around. I would actually pick fights with people and even beat people up. At 15 years of age, I was bullying others around.

   Why am I sharing this? For the past 4 years, I have been studying Biblical counseling and have learned much about anthropology and the human nature which is a nature created in God's image, but also carries Satan's image. I think it is very confusing for us to figure us out!

   People who are abused as children, many times, end up being a child abuser themselves. It is like a cycle, and unless it is broken, it usually continues. Of course, only the power of the blood of Jesus Christ is what can break the cycle.

   We look at people and we ask ourselves, 'why are they doing that?'. I think of people who were once Godly men serving God, empowered by Him, and loving God and people, who are now hating and slandering other Christians and leaving their marriages to marry someone else. How can this happen? What went wrong? Were these people not saved to begin with? Or is there a better explanation?

    After spending a year and a half with a person who came from a family who practiced Satanic Ritual Abuse on her, I learned a lot. Where do I begin?

   First of all, when a person is Satanically Ritually abused, there is so much trauma they experience that they will be mentally affected. When they have their own children (if they survive to adulthood), they, in turn, will be abusing their own children (I know this doesn't always happen, but this cycle does seem to continue on for generations). A parent who practices Satanic Ritual Abuse is one who has experienced that kind of abuse from their own parents. No one in their right mind would just decide to start practicing Satanic Ritual Abuse.

   Secondly, those who have been abused like this have dramatic stories to tell, and the average person has a hard time believing those stories are true. But ask yourselves this question; 'Why would someone make up those kinds of stories? If it is for attention, there are a lot of easier ways to get attention than by coming up with made up stories like their experiences tell. We tend to turn them away, because we can't believe that people can be that cruel to their children.

    We might think to ourselves, 'who, in their right mind, would do such things to their children?' The answer is 'no one in their right mind would do such things.' The key is the word, 'right mind'. When a child has been traumatized, and not only by Satanic Ritual Abuse, but there are other means of trauma that children experience (for example, being abandoned by parents), that child will never really have a right mind. He or she will grow up with mental difficulties that are very perplexing to understand. We tend to look at people who are not in their right mind, with disdain.

    Creating trauma for children is one of Satan's favorite weapons of destruction. If he can destroy the child's mind, he will destroy the minds of children for many generations.

   Why am I writing all this? Simply because we deal with people and try to work with them, and we try to understand them, but our understanding is limited because of our lack of knowledge of the person's background and why he or she does the things that they do.

   We think everything is in black or white. We tell a person to repent of their sins and they will be saved if they believe in Jesus Christ as their Savior. While that fact is true, trying to explain that to a traumatized person can be difficult. Let me explain further with an example.

    This is based on a true story. A young woman got raped. She suffered because of the rape. Perhaps this is where the difference is in those who just expect people to repent and trust in the Lord, and others who want to help the lost by removing the baggage Satan has put on them, then helping them understand the Gospel and the freedom that only comes through Jesus Christ.  The woman was traumatized and went for counseling. The counseling she received was simply to forgive and forget. Do you think a woman who went through the experience of being raped can just 'forgive and forget'? How is that helpful to her at this point?

    People need to know that God is aware of what happened to them, and God cares. God promises to take vengeance on the offender. God also can bring a person peace in the midst of a terrible storm, when we introduce him or her to Jesus Christ.

   I am amazed at how many people we know who were traumatized as children. I know a person who doubts God's love because of some painful situations that have come into this person's life. I also recently found out that this person's mother was a Satanic witch. This person is going to have a harder time understanding the truth of God being 'love'. When we meet people like this, we must be patient and not just give up on them or turn our backs on them by writing them off as false converts. A person who has gone through that kind of upbringing will need to be carried in prayer and also that person needs someone to stick with him or her, especially during difficult times. This person needs to see God's love displayed. That is what will change his or her heart.

   The next time you see someone bullying someone else around, or a friend who was caught abusing his child, remember, the person's background does have an affect on how they respond to life. They might be totally blind to it, but we need to hold them up in prayer. Unless the cycle is broken, it will just continue for generation after generation. The blood of Jesus Christ is powerful enough to break every cycle and every addiction, and to heal the broken-hearted as well as heal those who are mentally unstable. Let's stop looking down on the mentally disturbed and let's bring the love of God to them, and minister the Gospel of Jesus Christ to them.

Two Quick Thoughts

I have two quick thoughts I need to share before I forget what they are. I can expound upon them later.

1. I believe the reason women think that staying at home with children or just managing a home and serving her husband is so meaningless, is simply because we do not value relationships. We do not see the importance of building relationships with our husbands or children and therefore staying at home with them seems to be a waste. Most people do not have an eternal perspective and cannot look for what the projected results will be if relationships are valued. Women at home do not receive a paycheck for taking care of their children or serving their husbands. The results of that kind of work are intangible.

   "The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world". If we could grasp this and realize what an impact we could make in society and ultimately in the kingdom of God, we would gladly develop relationships with out children and husbands. Our nurturing of children and support of husband does have an impact whether we see it or not. If that is missing, husbands and children will be missing a serious component in their lives.

2. When we look at others and see their faults or their temptations to sin, and we don't see those in our own lives because we have already overcome them, or we don't face the kinds of temptations that others face, we need to be careful not to judge. I have been guilty of doing this, so I will watch my heart as well. Perhaps the person has received God's grace in an abundant way in a particular area of his or her life, but in another area, the grace just doesn't seem to be there. We could be like Job's friends and conclude that there must be some kind of sin that they committed that they aren't willing to part with, or that God is punishing them. I am not talking here about people who are unrepentant and want to stay in their sins. I know sometimes both types of situations can look very much alike, and that even makes it more confusing.
Human beings are very complex. It is not black and white like we think it is. Take for example, a well known comedian who has a wonderful reputation for being a family guy. He promotes family values wherever he goes. He probably really does believe in family values, yet, in a recent news report, this same man has been accused by two different women who say they were raped by him. What gives? I don't know that this man is a Christian or not, but we have to wonder how someone can be so family minded, yet be accused of raping women. Another story that I found interesting was one of a group of men who were prisoners guilty of rape. They were on a television show answering questions from a television host. These prisoners were actually telling women how to defend themselves against potential rapists. They honestly do not want women to be raped, yet, the temptation for them to rape another woman, should they get out of prison, is going to be very strong for them.
We need to be grateful for the areas in our lives where God has given us grace to work through or overcome areas of sin, but we need to remember that the devil is not going to tempt us with something that is obviously wrong in our eyes. He leads us little by little, with a lot of reasoning as to why we should have an affair, or rape someone, or whatever the sin is. We need to be checking our own hearts and keeping our guard up so when temptations come our way, we will be ready for them. And let's be careful in dealing with others who are struggling. Draw them out. Find out what they are really struggling with. Pray for them and teach them the word of God so they can become strong too. God will work in their hearts on His timetable with them, not our timetables. We need to be patient and minister to them in the areas where God is leading. We need to make them ready to let go of their sin, and receive God's grace. We do not want to get into the way of anything God will do.