Marriage - Why It Is Good - Why It Is Hard

   I remember being a teenager looking forward to the day I would be married. I really wanted to be a wife and homemaker, and probably a mother. I have to wonder why I wanted to be married though, and I look at some of the reasons why I thought marriage would be a good idea. One reason was, that I could retire.... I know that was silly, but, I didn't want to have to get up early in the morning because of being so tired. I thought marriage would provide me with that luxury!

     Seriously, I did not know all that was involved in making a marriage work. Nor did I understand what God's desire and intention was for us in marriage. But, marriage is a good thing, according to the Bible. Marriage is also a hard thing, because whenever two people are together in a relationship, there will be difficulties.

   Ever since the fall of mankind (see Genesis 3) people have not gotten along very well. Being married does not fix this problem, but reveals it even more. The wife sets up her kingdom, while the husband sets up his kingdom. The problem is, they have different Rulers of their kingdoms. We, because of our autonomy, are the Rulers of our lives. The answer is simple, but not easy. Jesus is to be our Ruler. That is the essence of the fall of mankind. We want to be in control of our lives. We want to call the shots. But think of how different it would be if both husband and wife are surrendered to the same King,  Jesus Christ!

Adam and Eve in the Garden. Adam knew
better than to take of the forbidden fruit.

    Does God want us happy in our marriages? God blesses us with our spouses and children, yet, we seem so unhappy about things. What could be wrong?

     We could have wrong expectations. Remember the Cinderella story? It ends with the words, 'And they lived happily ever after'. That sounds nice, but it isn't reality. Nevertheless, we bring this expectation into our marriages and when hard problems rise up, we feel like we have been tricked. Or worse, we think that this isn't the marriage God has for us. Because we are not 'happy' like Cinderella was, we must be missing the boat. Some even think its time to get out of the marriage if we aren't happy. But what does God say? 

   There are many Scriptures which tell us how to live in relationships with others. Some passages are specific to marriage as well (See Ephesians 5). Relationships are messy. They are hard work. But God has sovereignly chosen our mates for us, and He gives us the grace to work through our problems. God does not give us marriages to make us happy. He gives us marriages (as well as other relationships) to make us holy. We have to keep that in mind, always.

   There are two reasons marriage is good, but hard. One is because of our unrealistic expectation, and the other is because we, as Americans in particular, believe that God wants to make us happy. And anything that violates our happiness must not be from God, we conclude. But nothing can be further from the truth. While we are on earth, we are like the underside of the tapestry. All you see is the strings hanging and the whole picture doesn't make any sense. But when the tapestry is finished, if you look on the finished side, you can see a beautiful work of art. This is much like the way God works in our lives. He gives us friends, spouses, children, and other relationships. Some of those relationships are very hard to work with. That shows us our need for God's help. If we insist on injuring those who we don't like or who hurt us, we are really acting independent of God. We think we are wiser than God. 

  Another thing to keep in mind is that we are pragmatic people. Pragmatic simply means that we cannot work through hard issues because we want simple answers immediately. We want our problems fixed right away. We pray about something and expect God to answer it immediately, and if He doesn't, we think we have missed God somehow. Our whole way of thinking is shaped around pragmatism. 

   We don't know how to do hard things. Are hard things bad? Not necessarily. Our society will teach us how to take the easy way out of problems. We know all the shortcuts. But with some problems and challenges, there are no shortcuts. So, instead of working through them, we bail out. If the marriage gets too hard, we leave. If the job is too hard, we quit. This is so opposed to God's way. God wants us to depend upon Him for His grace to help us in our time of need. When we take the easy way out, we aren't even giving God a chance at pouring out His grace on us. Which is better: to get a divorce, or, to receive God's grace and wisdom to work through a difficult marriage? Even if the marriage is irreconcilable, just receiving God's grace to bring us through the difficult situation is worth it. God doesn't want us to bail out. He wants us to persevere through trials and difficulties. There is an end to the dark tunnel and He will be with us in the tunnel. And we will be on the other side, eventually.

   Finally, you may have a spouse who is sinning, or even sinning against you. Keep in mind that your spouse's real battle is with the Lord, not necessarily with you. Pray for your spouse when you see him or her battling with sin or unbelief. The Enemy of our souls would love nothing more than to destroy your marriage by lying to you about how your spouse hates you. Your spouse has a sinful nature just like you do. He or she is not free from temptations to sin. He or she needs to receive God's grace just like you and I need to receive it. 

   Humility and love are keys to making a marriage work. God's grace enables two sinful people to live in a beautiful relationship together. It is a process, so we need to be patient with our spouses. Remember how patient God is with us. Let us extend that to the ones we are married to.