The Four Horsemen - Is Your Marriage In Trouble?

   One of the books we were assigned to read in the marriage counseling class was "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman, PH. D., and in the beginning of the book he makes some interesting statements. One of them has to do with his 'love lab' in which he takes a married couple and analyzes their interactions with each other while they are in this room in which he can look into in order to observe them. He says that he can tell if a marriage will end up in divorce within five minutes of observing the couple. He has a record of being 95% accurate.
   One of the things he looks for, he calls, 'the four horsemen'. The four horsemen are 1). Criticism, 2). Contempt, 3). Defensiveness, and 4). Stonewalling (indifference).
   Although Gottman does not profess to be a Christian, he has some insight into the dignity of human beings. The four horsemen are definitely signs of problems in a marriage. We know the solution for our wickedness and the way we treat others comes through repentance and faith in Jesus Christ. This can only happen because of the death of Christ on the Cross for our sins. God gives us the ability and the desire to repent of our sins, whereas in the world, the best a person can do is to try to change and do better. Sometimes this works for a while, but is usually short lived. Only by the power of the Holy Spirit, Who indwells those who are redeemed from their sins, can we ever hope to be changed.
   It is important for us to honestly evaluate our lives and look at our own hearts. It is easy for us to see the sin in our spouse's life, but our own sin is usually invisible to us. In many marriages, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are common activities carried out in the relationships. But they are danger signs, as well.
   If you observe these tendencies in your own marriage, your marriage could be in trouble. There is a cure, but we must desire the cure and not only the relief for the symptoms. The cure is found in the Cross of Jesus Christ. The Bible explains that when a person comes to Christ in repentance (turning away from sin) and faith (trust in Jesus Christ as Savior), that person becomes a new creature in Christ. It explains further that old things are passed away and all is become new. A believer in Jesus Christ has a new heart. The new heart has good desires. The problem that remains though, is that even with a new heart, there is still the old heart that continually wants to be selfish. That is why the Bible says to 'Put off the old' and 'Put on the new'.
  When a person is a new creature in Christ, he or she will be able to bear the fruit of the Spirit, which is love, joy peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. If both people in a marriage are bearing the fruit of the Spirit, they can grow together in love, and the 'four horsemen' will eventually ride away as the couple turns to God for help.
   Is your marriage in trouble? There is hope. Our hope is in God, and our help comes from God. Otherwise, our marriages will fall apart, and our relationships with people will be askew.
   For more information concerning having a relationship with God, go to The Gospel Conversation  or  Good Person Test Page