Corrective Parenting - Loving Discipline or Shaming and Distancing Ourselves?

"How many people do you know who started following Jesus because someone scolded them, disapproved of them personally, or made it clear how appalling their “lifestyle” is? I have been a Christian for more than twenty-five years and a minister for seventeen. I have never met one." Scott Sauls

When I heard that quote today, I thought of how true it is, especially in the area of evangelism. If you are minding your own business and someone comes up to you and talks to you about eternity, then berates you for being an unbeliever, who could blame you for not wanting to listen to this guy?

Sadly, that is what happens though, not only in evangelism, but also in parenting. How many times have well meaning parents scolded their child when he or she did wrong? How many parents have distanced themselves from their child when the child has done something to break the rules? I have been guilty of doing this myself. 

What is it about us that we think we have to make our children feel bad about their sins? Could we be trying to do the work that only God can do, in their hearts? Could we even be listening to the lies of the devil in trying to shame our children when they need loving correction?

Don't get me wrong. I do believe many loving, diligent parents are doing these things without intending harm. They mistakenly believe that we have to humiliate them and make them feel the pain of our rejection, in order for them to change. That is not good parenting though. The discipline is (or should be) hard enough on the child. Even just taking away privileges can be effective (cause and effect) sometimes. When we try to make our children feel shamed or guilty, or if we distance ourselves from them, we are not serving them, but we are in danger of creating a way of thinking for our children to comply on the outside, while still being corrupt on the inside. The heart is not dealt with, and the child has other issues now to deal with besides dealing with the consequences of his or her wrongdoing. In other words, this kind of parenting could lead to legalism. And no one wants to produce a little Pharisee. 

A Double Whammy For Those Who Are Sinned Against

We imprison ourselves because of what others have done to us when they sin against us. But, this also is a choice that we make. Let me explain.

Someone sins against us in a serious way. We have a hard time telling others what has been done when the person sinned against us. Sometimes, we do tell others, and their response to us is, 'you have to forgive the person'. While it is true that the sinned against person has to forgive, that is not the place to start if you want to help someone struggling with being sinned against.

Being sinned against can be minor offenses or major violations. We have to recognize first of all, that it is ok to acknowledge the offense and agree that it was wrong. We try to get the cart before the horse, so many times, and cause more damage to the person asking for help. We want people to be set free from the sin that they are growing, not the opposite.

A person who has been sinned against needs to be vindicated, to begin with. This is critical, because the person who has been sinned against might be thinking he or she is to blame for the sin committed against them. Many times, the perpetrator will project that onto the person as well. The sinned against person needs someone to validate them. This can be done by listening to the person and not reacting by trying to minimize the hurt. Also, it is not a good thing, at this point, to try to give reasons for the violator doing the crime. There may, and probably are, many valid reasons that the perpetrator did those things. But that does not help the sinned against person.

The sinned against person very likely will believe that God is angry with them or punishing them because He allowed the person to sin against them. This is a big lie from the Enemy of our souls that has led many to despair. We have to know the truth that God does allow bad things to happen to us, yet, in the way He works in our lives, He will turn the bad (even the horrible) around for our good, if we know Him. This can sound trite to a person who is really suffering. They need to understand that God is for them, and not opposed to them no matter how difficult or painful the situation. We need to be with them in their pain.

So, it is like a double whammy for the person who is sinned against, because he or she will eventually have to forgive that person who sinned against him or her.

The problem comes when the offense is never dealt with (or dealt with in a wrong way). The person remains hurt and continues to dwell in it. Bitterness grows. The person is not in a healthy place spiritually anymore. She needs help. She needs someone to listen to her, validate her, not give her advice, nor try to destroy or vindicate the offender. If this is walked through delicately, and over time, this person can be set free from the raging anger and bitterness that will imprison him or her.

Most of all, the offended person needs prayer! God can deliver him from bitterness and vengeance. Only God can set him free from bitterness and desire for vengeance for the offending person. Otherwise, he will remain in a prison of bitterness the rest of his life. The sad part is, that he will probably not even recognize that he is in prison, and will remain there until the day comes when he wants to be free from his imprisonment.

"He who the Son sets free is indeed free!"

"As you go with your accuser before the magistrate, make an effort to settle with him on the way, lest he drag you to the judge, and the judge hand you over to the officer, and the officer put you in prison. I tell you, you will never get out until you have paid the very last penny.” Luke 12:58 ESV